So this thing has died pretty much. It happens.
The following is now occurring:
Full backup of all the Minecrafty things. Nothing is being wiped content-wise, just tucked away. Backups available to whoever wants them in the short-term.
The server itself is being nuked and upgraded to Centos 7. Full wipe and reconfigure. We're still getting good value on the server itself (4 core, 4 gig ram, 80 gig ssd for $14/month) so I have no desire to cancel it outright.
I *may* delay the above items in favor of working on some Docker things for a future GC chat thing on this server - that's probably going to happen but will only delay the full wipe.
You may now begin yelling.