Hello, little bit about me, and a prayer request

[turnbullTeRRoR]

Hello never really ventured down to the bottom of the forums till now

 

 

First of all, I am a born again chirstian dating back to July, 27th 2008.

Baptist

Married (also 2008) 2 kids (4- girl 3-boy)

The only position I hold in church: RA leader

Also hold rotation positions for Usher and soundboard operator

Make every sunday service I can. (missed maybe 5-6 in the last year)(Saturday night customs are a constant threat to my sunday mornings but I make it happen )

I work for a steel company as an estimator/ programmer (auto cad and CNC programming)

Outside of church, family affairs, and video games I like to duck hunt and watch sports. ( UNC tarheels, Carolina Panthers, and Atlanta Braves)

I live outside of Fayetteville, NC.

I have played CS since 2001-ish(I think) more accuratly would be around the tail end of 1.4 to right around the time 1.5 came to be. Around 2005 I took a break and played very little untill last year.

 

Anyways to the Prayer request:

 

As I noted above I've been married since 2008 and my anniversary is April 12, 2012. Sadly I don't think my marriage will make it till then. Its a long story that I will not tell here completely, but here is the main points.

My wife has had a very turbulent life. Her real mother(who was adopted) ran off and left her and her 4 siblings when she was 6 or 7. Her dad was struggling with the kids and money and he also had problems. He ended up in Jail. My wife and siblings moved into her grandmothers care, but her grandmother was also caring for her much older mother. She could not handle this so her daughter, my wifes aunt, took over although she had 2 kids of her own giving her 7 and she was single/ dating. She was good woman but together, with her mother, they could not take care of / support 7 kids. So they shopped the kids around for adoption but only under the circumstances that my wife and siblings would be adopted together. They found a couple willing to take on all 4 ( one lived with real father my wifes half sister) Shortly after the adoption my wifes aunt, who had been taking care of them, was murderd. As it turns out the people who adopted the children were very abusive. They lived in almost torture like conditions. My wifes older brother purposely got into trouble just to get out of the home(juvie) My wife was pretty much kept on a leash and trapped at said household untill she was 18 and she got out of there (by force of law) She was never molested (sexually) that I"m aware of just had to live with abusive control freaks.

Anways as you can see she has had a terrible childhood and is scarred more than any child should be. She was taken in by a very nice christian family. She also worked with me. I was talking to other girls but after I broke off from them I started to date my future wife. We married and then her sister recontacted her real family and her mom had returned after 13/ 14 years. We had kids and a decent life going, but after reuniting with her family 5 years ago (just before we got married) She has been a different person. She loves our kids to death, but she's not been as happy as before we go married/ first got married. She has problems with any kind of authority and takes slights to the smallest of things and harbors grudges. She was going to church with me and was baptized with me , but well things have changed.

She wants to get a divorce. There has been no malice between us. She just ups and decided she's not happy. She did some bad things ( not going into details) I forgave her and told her for the kids sakes that I'd never mention them agian. Still after 30 days of demonstrating my love for her she's insistant upon moving away / with kids if possible. Shes a very strong willed woman but she makes terrible finacial decisions. She wants to move to an aparyment in Fayetteville ( we live in the country now) I grew up half in the city half out and can tell you I want my little kids no where near there.

 

Bottom line is this. I love my wife and kids and do not want our family to be broken. Usually there are two sides to every story but trust me this time there is not. Even the ones who took her in who she tells people adopted her and treated her like a daughter are in disbelief over this and have told me I need to get the kids.

 

As you can see if you read through all that I need prayer support. My wife has some mental problems( I believe) and I want to resolve this as best I can. I we are not meant to be then I at least want whats best for my kids. I am man but I stay at home with my kids every night while she works. She stays at home everyday while I work. Bad times and a burden on my heart.

[waymon]

I am going to be blunt here, but I think you need to talk to someone who isn't involved in the Church. A lot of companies have personal support programs that often give 3-5 free therapy sessions. I'm not suggesting you or her need therapy, but I think talking to someone like that is the right path to take. (and once again, someone not in the church.) Sit down and explain the situation to a 3rd party. Breaking up a family is a terrible situation to be in...but being in a bad relationship is even worse. Don't try to steal the kids away..don't let her steal them away either. Please don't let emotion cloud logical judgement either. You want the best for your children, that may or may not be having your wife in the picture. Your children and their education come first...your relationship is secondary.

Edited February 6, 2013 by waymon

[turnbullTeRRoR]

Your suggestions has been explored. Like I said she is defiant of authority and doesn't handle advice that doesnt suit her wants / train of thought well at all. ( I know a lot of men and women are like this) The problem , if this is the answer, is to get her to actually go for this. Our relationship is second, but the problem is the me or no one else wants her living alone or with roommate. ( most of her work friends are girls that run through creeps by the week trust me.. I've met some of them and their creeps. I don't want those people around my kids)

 

My friends and some relatives want me to just tell her to go, but I grew up in a split house. I don't want that for my kids. Bad relationship? we're non-abusive and things were going fine. I think she's depressed and she has unrealistic views on reality. I can tell you for sure she has unrealistic ideas about affordability. Not a stereotype on women type of thing. She's tried to push me into more and more debt when we are living from tax season to tax season as it is.

[Preacher]

Well I'll take exception to the not-in-the-church idea but will suggest maybe contacting the pastor of a different church than you regularly attend. (Maybe get a suggestion from your pastor). You guys need to stop throwing the D word around until you have exhausted all possibility of reconciling. I truly feel for you, I went through a similar situation back in 2009 with a wife from a similar (but worse) childhood. It was a real miracle that we salvaged our marriage and even now, 4 years later, it's a tender wound, but there is hope.

 

Pray without ceasing is the best advice I can give you, partner with good Christians you trust and have them praying for you as well. But be proactive, make a plan of action that doesn't depend on the chance that she will suddenly come to her senses. The truth is that, like an drug addict, one often has to see the bottom before making the right choices.

 

Talk to a lawyer and if it comes to it, try and make the first move. As a guy you have a disadvantage, but the first one on paper is right until proven otherwise in the eyes of the courts (typically). Do not push for no custody, that will almost always look like you are in the wrong. Try to work together, but be the first to get the ball rolling if you can. Any lawyer will tell you so.

 

I will keep you in my prayers and hope for the best for you. Trust in the Lord and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths. God bless you during this difficult time.

[waymon]

Sorry...I didn't make myself clear. Talk to whomever you like and as much as you like...just don't limit yourself only to people of the church. I suggest you (alone) talk to someone that can clear your head. People rush into divorce just as fast as they rush into marriage.

[walkingCat]

I usually don't read/write things in this part of forum, but your situation is really difficult. I'm not a christian, so i'm not sure if i can even speak here. I'll be short, listen to Preacher. Think about this situation as a chess (yes, i'm not joking, sir). Every step, every decision will be crucial. You need to act first. Do whatever you can to prove that you are kind person, a great father of your children who is ALWAYS there to protect them. Start to collect evidences of what/how you do for the family and what she does for the family, economically and as a parent for your kids.

Mental condition disability is very tricky and hard to justify and it works both ways. She's gotten under influence of very weird, egoistic people. There will be a day when you come back and your wife is disappeared along with the kids. You must ask your friends to help you with this. Prepare. Don't let bad people to ruin your life and life of your children. Good luck!

[Preacher]

Oh and use restraint when talking about your wife, if you get back together it would suck to have people thinking bad of her or repeating something you said. Speak only good things to your kids also. While they may very well be on your side in this stuff, anything hurtful or bad you say about her in their presence they will transfer to themselves or resent you for saying later.

[shaftiel]

I feel for you. I was married to my ex-wife for over 15 years, had 3 kids together. However my ex had some of the very same issues you describe. Not as turbulant a home life, but the end result was the same. Lack of realistic expectations, lack of money sense, and severe, near suicidal depresion that would swing wildly to anger and actually physically attacking me for getting her pregnant and 'ruining her life'. But even all this could not prevent me from loving her, trying to help her, and working to maintain a loving family structure for our kids. But, just as with your wife, she decided that she was unhappy, so she asked for a divorce. I tried to work thngs out, and for two years i struggled to prevent the divorce. But, again, just like your wife, my ex was a very stubborn person. Once she made up her mind, that was it. However, I did fight her in court for the children. I used her depression, her violent tendancies, and her lack of life skills to explain to the court how the children would fare better with me. I won full custody of all three kids, with my ex having limited visitation. I allow more visitation than the courts ordered, simply because I am a very big believer in family, and think the kids do need their mom.

 

I would suggest you continue to try and work things out with your wife. But you must realize, that the chances are very low that your marriage will be salvagable. Accept it, that will be very hard I know. Do not get angry, it will not help you. Document everything you can that shows your wifes inability to deal with the realities of life. Document every questionable action, and decision. You need to do this, so you have times, dates, specific actions to present the courts to make your case for the kids. Do not get nasty, or call her names. Be very factual and precise.

 

If your wife is anything like my ex, you are in for a very painful heart ache. I hope things turn out different, but be prepared for the worst.

 

 

 

 

 

Shaftiel

[turnbullTeRRoR]

Thanks for that Shaft its comforting to know someone else was able to pick up the pieces and go on with it. Its just so frustrating. She swears up and down that I don't love her, but she couldn't be more wrong. In the last week or so I've come to terms with the fact that it can happen though I'm not giving up just yet. I've already taken to documenting things thought I feel like dirt doing it.

Edited February 6, 2013 by turnbullTeRRoR

[Baloosh]

Talk to an attorney immediately, just to have a plan in place in case things turn for the worst.

 

Also, watch your money and any joint account(s) the two of you may have together. Your new goal is to protect yourself and your children, as much as you can, from the inevitable storm you are all going to have to weather together. But, after all is said and done, you'll come through it on the other side better off. If someone doesn't want to be married anymore, you can't force them to stay married. Become a business partner with her, and your business is raising your children.

 

Hang in there, and if it helps you to pray, pray as much as you can. But don't forget to protect yourself (and your family) down here as well. Sounds like you did a pretty good Plan A, and if you need to move to a Plan B, have everything ready to go.

 

I hope things work out for you. Keep your head up and stay strong for your kids.

[turnbullTeRRoR]

Thx for the previous prayers, but don't let up yet She's kind of turning around but I'm wary of the fact if its because she's had a change of heart or she realizes she has no money even after a down the middle possession split. ( I offered to pay off all medical bills which pretty much trumped her tax return and our savings giving her nothing cash wise but a vehicle furniture and big screen tv and some misc items not worth mentioning. I just want to make the right choice here. As a christian I know divorce is bad so I'm probably gonna avoid it... i just don't want to pay the price later on. I'm a little confused. We've not actually made up but we're somewhere in the middle. I've been hurt and a part of me thinks the split would be better in some aspects yet not it all (kids) and I want to do whats best as far as the kids are concerned but I'm not even sure if together is better. I know together is better IF she gets herself on track... that's the problem though the IF. So maybe the request should be more for my wife or just stick with us both. Either way appreciate your time and concerns. See you on the servers and God bless

Edited April 1, 2013 by turnbullTeRRoR

[Preacher]

It sounds very much like you want what is best as well what is honorable in the Lord's sight. There is no better place to begin than this. My suggestion is that you find someone immediately to talk to and counsel you. If you can do it together. Lay out all your fears, all of your issues with her, all of the problems and most of all lay out your hopes that you can get back to the Godly and loving relationship that you know is God's will to have. Make sure she does the same thing.

[Biggs]

You're in my thoughts--hoping for the best possible outcome

[shaftiel]

Delicate situation. On one hand you want to be able to air your issues and come to resolutions so you can move forward with a clean slate. On the other, you might be afraid to say anything that might upset her and send things spiralling down again. Its one thing if both sides want to work things out, its quite another if you are coaxing her back into a relationship. Sigh, good luck my friend. You are in a sucky position right now.

 

 

 

 

Shaftiel

[turnbullTeRRoR]

I've tried not coaxing to see how she really felt. Don't know how successful I was at that I find it hard not to follow my heart. Heart keeps beating my brain down. Like I said she started to waiver herself with out any hardcore coaxing at least. I will have a time of this no matter what the outcome just because I could never be sure how she really feels. Will take time to heal either way I just want the best way.