A couple good jokes

[Mossad]

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

 

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

 

His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's lame, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you, too."

 

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A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was lame and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when

no one else applied she decided to hire the lame guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

 

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and

the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch

looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into

town on Saturday night.

 

He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight."Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said: "If you everwear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"

 

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The American Navy found they had too many officers and decided

to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who

volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured

in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got

to choose what those two points would be.

 

 

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from

the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet

and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

 

 

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked

to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.

He walked out with $96,000.

 

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who,

when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks

the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with

him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

 

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop'em," which he did.

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.

Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

 

 

The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam"

[Fairweather]

hahahaha i love the last one