Peckles

SO my doctor told me my platelet count was high, but I have plenty of regular sized dishes too.

When bleached hair grows out, it looks like an old banana.

You don't just get cremated. You've got to urn it.

Went to board meeting. Fell asleep.

Have you ever QWOP'd so much that you had trouble walking?

I got mugged. Tea spilled everywhere.

Racehorses are a lot bigger up close...

If you don't behave, I'm giving your ice cream to the dog. The ice cream is recoverable, but you'd have to eat the dog too, and you're not getting a new dog.

At what point is it appropriate to tell someone their hair is losing its colour? Seems like a bit of a grey area...

My notes on taxonomy were all out of order, so I decided to phylum.

Cedars smell nice, but they give up too easily.

430AM sucks no matter what time of day it is.

I'm an amputea pot, short and stout; Here is my handle, where is my spout?

For one day only I will be made of ham.

Sheiks are real stylish

I didn't go outside today. Is there weather?

Rich people are rude because someone else minds their manors

Cribs should be called 'childberths'

I've had amnesia for as long as I can remember

After trying on countless shoes, I finally found a frontrunner.

Don't think I would buy a pickup truck. I'm just not that flirty.

Deodorant is made in olfactories

Happiness is going to the fridge for your last beer only to discover you have two last beers

On marking territory: Guys give girls a ring to wear. Girls leave bobby pins EVERYWHERE.

My stomach is having a party and I don't think I want to stick around til the end