a few jokes

[Preacher]

Baptist Minister, A Priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar, bartender says "What is this a joke?"

 

 

 

Oriental guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder, bartender says " Wow he's cool, where'ld ya get em?" The parrot says " Squawk Korea they're everywhere"

 

 

 

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pencil and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

 

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

 

 

 

 

Little Joey was sitting in the back of class rubbing his crotch, and the teacher asked, “Joey what are you doing?� Joey replied, “Teacher, my mommy had me circumsized yesterday and it still hurts.� So the teacher sent Joey to the principal's office to call his mother and ask what he should do.

 

When Joey came back from the office, the teacher noticed that he had his penis hanging out. Shocked, the teacher asked, “Joey, what are you doing!?� Joey answered, “Mommy told me to stick it out till lunch and then she would be here to pick me up.�

 

 

 

 

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.

As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969."

The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."

 

 

 

 

One day, a fairy visits a lonely widow and says that she is there to give her 3 wishes.

 

''I wish I was 21 and beautiful!'' The wish is instantly granted.

 

''I wish I had a million dollars!'' The wish is granted.

 

''I wish that my cat here were the most handsome guy in the world and were madly in love with me.'' The wish is granted. The now young lady and her man go inside. They start to cuddle, and the man looks at her.

 

''Aren''t you upset you had me fixed?''

 

 

 

A man walks into a bar and orders 5 double shots of tequila. The bartender lines them up and says "Boy, that's some heavy drinkin your gonna be getting on. It wouldn't have anything to do with them bumps and bruises all over you face would it? You look like you've been hit by a mack truck, What happened?"

The man replies "Well as a matter of fact it does, you see I called my wife a cheap whore."

"Then what happened?" queries the bartender.

The man replies, "Then she hit me with her bag of nickels."

 

 

 

3 guys camping and sitting around the fire get onto the subject of pain.

 

1rst guys says "The worst pain I've ever felt was when I was 12 years old. We had a fire in our home and I was burnt over 40% of my body".

 

2nd guy says " That's nothing, when I was a paratrooper in the Army I jumped out of a plane and mu chute failed, when I cut away and deployed my reserve it didn't fully open. I hit the ground doing around 80 miles per hour and broke every bone in my body and only survived by the grace of God".

 

3rd guy says" Well that's bad but 3 years ago I was hunting elk in Canada and I had to take a dump so I squatted down and accidentally crapped on a bear trap. The trap deployed and clamped over my back and testicles".

 

1rst guys says wow that is the worst, 2nd guy agrees.

 

3rd guys says "Well that isn't the worst part, the worst part was when I got to the end of the 20 foot chain".

 

 

 

A blind man walked into a store with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere.

 

He walked into the center of the sales floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head.

Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared.

The other customers were awe struck and some were very upset at the way the animal was being treated.

 

One of the managers ran up to the blind man and yelled, "Sir, what are you doing!?!"

 

The man turned toward the cashier and said, "Oh, nothing - just looking around."

 

 

 

A fellow sees a sign in front of a house in his local town: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black dog just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Sure do." the dog replies.

"So, what's your story?"

 

The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the Secret Service about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."

 

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

 

The fellow is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten pounds."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Cause he's a liar."

 

 

 

The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

 

A creative fellow, he went out and collected from his buddies all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:

 

"Dear Mary, I can not remember which one is you ... please keep YOUR photo and return the others!"

[pavid]

A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice.

 

The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why.

 

The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, "What's wrong with the coworker telling you your hair smells nice?"

 

The woman replies, "He's a midget."

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Calgary, Alberta, while awaiting their respective flights. One is a native Indian from the Sarcee Reserve, another is a cowboy on his way to Lethbridge for a livestock auction. The third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at the University of Calgary from the Middle East.

 

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Albertans learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping, but still no plane comes.

 

To break the silence, the Indian clears his throat and softly speaks: "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

 

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward: "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

 

The Alberta cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl: "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet . . . but I do believe it's a-comin'. . . "

Edited November 26, 2006 by pavid

[Mossad]

pavid is a theif

 

http://www.gamrs.co/forums/in...showtopic=29573