MrDuke

I thought I would post something here because I've answered my own question. Since my earlier postings, my family has endured a great deal of hardship. It took a real crisis to bring my faith to a whole new level. So, the NEW MrDuke's reply to the OLD MrDuke's question is this: If your gut is telling you something is missing, then there is. Someone who truly has a relationship with Christ doesn't feel the emptiness that I described earlier. It takes 2 people to make a relationship work and He is always striving from his side...the question is whether or not you are you striving from your side. I can honestly say there is more love, understanding, compassion, praying and repentance in the NEW MrDuke. It feels good.

The weight thing... I've gained 20, lost 30, gained 15 in the last 8 weeks... I seriously don't know what pants to wear. Could use a little support with that problem (no pun intended)

Excellent news, man!!! I am proud of you...All things are possible! I'm thinking back to being in your shoes and the one thing that helped me out at the local church was an ABF (Adult Bible Fellowship). There are many,many ABFs because each ABF focuses on only one subject. Well...it just so happens that they have an ABF for people who just experienced 'the thirst' but don't know where to go or what to do other than to read. It really helped to know that there were 5 other people who had the same hesitancies, same fear of being called on to answer something, same fear of talking about their experiences and feelings. When I walked in the first night, the counselor said I could get up and walk out the minute I felt uncomfortable and I could come back in 5 minutes,or 5 days. No pressure. Check around--there are many,many people with the same hesitancies as you. An evening ABF is a nice place to start. God Bless you AK, I think about you often...heh,heh another break-up line... Duke

Just checking to see how things are going. You've got me on the edge of my seat, you know... I really want this topic to grow but I respect your request for space and time. Heh,heh--sounds like a break-up line!!! Let me know if you feel like chattin' Duke

Spiral, I've been so wrapped up in my own problems that I sometimes forget there are others who need support. I can't empathize with you because I've never lost a close friend, but I certainly sympathize. I know you are hurting. I'll pray for you and the families. I can imagine the conflicting feelings that you and the families must feel. The good that was created from all of this provides some comfort, but not complete comfort. Most of the time, it does not overpower the bad feelings. That's why I post here and on our daughters website. It's pure hell watching a child suffer, but the good that comes from telling people about it provides some comfort. Long story short, it made a few people appreciate how precious life really is and that's important. In your case, that lesson was learned in a brutally honest way. I know the recipients of the organs will appreciate life in a new way...my hope is that others read your story and get something from it. All life is precious. I think you hit it on the head when you said you looked a little closer and realized that maybe God's grace was given, just not in the way you wanted it to be. You are a strong man for being able to put your emotions aside for a bit, REALLY look at the good that happened, and recognize it. PM me if you're hurting and feel like chatting. All I've done for 6 weeks is hurt. It does help to get it off your chest. Hang in there, MrDuke

Another update: Danielle needed a blood transfusion so it turned her treatment day into a 9 hour visit. The new chemo is creating a few sores and blisters in her mouth. Think about eating hot sauce and getting a sore, inflamed taste bud because of it. Her appetite is decreasing and her hair continues to fall out...BUT her personality is coming back and she's laughing and giggling more and more. Overall, that's a good thing and I'll take it. I don't know if we'll post pictures of her without hair. On one hand, I know she'll never remember losing it and she's the one going through all this so I should post it. On the other hand, it really upsets me and my wife because it's a reality check. She'll really look like a bald cancer child. Up till now, she's always been my regular princess going through a hard time. Now she's my daughter who's fighting cancer. I'd rather look at the old pictures where she looks normal. It's really conflicting. On a different note, I FINALLY designed and created a drug formula that allows children to take dexamethasone (or anything extremely bitter) without tasting the bitter aftertaste. It may not seem like a big deal until you, as a parent, have to hold their head still and end up wearing the medicine. My intention is to file for FDA approval and bring it to market it (with almost all proceeds going to St. Judes research and development). I have a chemical engineer working with me on the stability issues but I could use some legal assistance. Do we have any legal begals out there with experience in dealing with the FDA? That's all for now. Thanks again, guys. I know I couldn'tve gotten through this without this forum and your posts. MrDuke

I've been where you are...only 15 years ago. My choices were Ohio Northern and Ohio State for pharmacy school. I chose the smaller school because of the fear of the size of Ohio State. I got lucky because the smaller school happen to be better. Being older and working with many college grads who came from big schools, the common thread is: yes, I was scared at first, but I adjusted. So, learning from others (big advantage if you heed that advice too), make your decision based on the facts (quality of program and financial situation), not emotions (fear of the unknown). You hold yourself back if you allow emotions to cloud your decisions...especially large one's like this. Go visit the large campus and chat up some people in the lunch room. Get their perspective on campus life. You'll discover the common thread. Another thing I discovered...larger campuses equate to larger (and more) distractions from the reason you are there--school. More parties, more friends, more things to do. Keep your focus. 4 years of school is a small price to pay for a lifetime of good paychecks. Ask anyone older if they could do college over... Sorry to ramble on, I get "proud papa" syndrome when I see people forging their careers. Good luck to you! MrDuke

Thanks Gooter!! Heh,heh...I've been waiting for you to post just so I could say "Gooter" again...heh,heh. My wife and I still crack up over that. Gooter...LOL!!! It's like saying "booger". All you can do is laugh!!! OK...update time!! The oncologist called and we found out Danielle is in remission!! THAT ROCKS!!! Remission is not the same as "cured", though. Right now, with the best technology they have, they cannot detect any cancer cells in the marrow. However, they know there are still cancer cells in her body somewhere so the treatments will continue. So the perspective changes to focusing on surviving the chemo, staying germ free while the chemo beats down her immune system, and praying we don't hear the word "relapse". A relapse is a proliferation of any remaining cancer cells which don't respond to the chemo drugs. Sounds pretty cut and dry...we'll take it a day at a time. We went to a Christmas party thrown for all the children with cancer. It was very uplifting and was the first time we've been out as a family in a very long time. It felt good to get out and be "normal". I met more families in the same situation as we are in, but a few months further out. I'm still working on the anger and rage management. I chatted up other dad's and I was told it can last a few days up to 7 months. But it becomes manageable...we'll see. Anyway, that's all I've got for now. You guys keep me going! Thanks!!! MrDuke

Just a quick update-- Danielle is swelling up like an oompa-loompa and it makes it hard for her to walk, swallow or breathe. She is losing some of her reflexes due to the chemo which causes the walking problems and choking problems. Her pain is increasing which makes her grumpy. I tell you this not to paint a bad picture, although it is, but to let you all know that I feel blessed to have another day with my family even though things may seem dark. Her condition isn't pretty, but I feel it could be much worse--liver failure, kidney problems, etc. so I am accepting these days as good ones. I feel blessed because even though we are going through a rough time right now, there are others who are going through worse times than we are (and I pray for them). They are everywhere--just hurting and wanting someone to say, "Are you OK?". Please don't be afraid to ask someone who's hurting if they want to vent. Trust me, it means a lot. As a father, I am dealing with a great deal of anger and rage. My family is being "attacked" and my core instincts are firing on all eight cylinders to "protect"...but there is nothing to direct the anger and rage at, nothing to look at and say, "THAT is what's hurting my family". So it becomes an internal struggle and it's tearing me apart. We found a verse that provides me with comfort and I thought I would share it with all of you. It's also posted on Danielle's site. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Phi 4:6 It seems strange to grow close to many of you even though I've never seen your faces, or spoken to you on the phone. But that's not a bad thing. I check this forum daily for your words of support, and I thank you all for it. It helps me. Your Brother in Christ, MrDuke

Just PM'd you. To All, I know my wife will update the website but I wanted to let this community know whats going on because you, collectively, are getting me through this nightmare and for that I thank all of you. My daughter received good and gracious news yesterday. Her Absolute Neutrophil Count (ANCs), or the "fighters of infection" were up...WAY UP. Dangerously low is 1000 and she was at 100 due to the chemo. This did not upset me as I knew it would drop. However, she went in for her treatment on Tuesday and her ANCs were 2700!! Let me write that out to feel even better - - two thousand seven hundred (and 00/100 cents,heh,heh). That means she can go outside, go to church, McDonalds, the playground, the store - - just about anywhere. And on a serious note, I still feel guilty. I feel guilty because Aug is still going through a hard time. I feel guilty because a close "cancer friend" contracted pneumonia and has a small window of survival until she can get a bone marrow transplant...she's 10. I feel guilty because I received some good news, but there are still people hurting out there that need help and support. I ask for your prayers for the others that are still hurting. Aug--I hope all is well with your little one. I continue to pray for you. Remember- Be the Rockwall, you will hold.

I remember being in your shoes a short while ago. Right now, I would still label myself a Christian "newbie", with Cong and Aug being the veterans. When I first had "the thirst", my most difficult questions were "Is it that simple?" and "Why am I entitled to this gift?". As corny as it sounds, answering that on your own will make the answer that much better. After attending church and reading a lot, my next question was, "Am I doing enough?" or, in other words, "Can I do more?" Cong and Aug helped me with that which you can read in another thread. By receiving Christ, you become (and strive) to be a better person. Doing good things comes naturally because of this. The antithesis is: I must do good things to go to heaven, which is incorrect. You will discover this as you read and ask questions. As far as sins go, my simplistic view is not little sin vs. big sin but rather right or wrong. Is speeding worse than running a red light? Is murder worse than adultery? My answer is the same. All are wrong...and all are forgivable provided you've accepted Christ, you admit your sin and you are sincerely ask for forgiveness. Supporting Scripture: Being in the same boat, I cannot find chapter and verse to turn to when I need it the most. There is a different type of Bible, which Cong and Aug could help me name, which works things out for people like us. It lists different types of problems or questions or issues and indexes all of the supporting scripture relating to those probs/questions/issues. I can't for the life of me remember the name of that kind of Bible, but it is VERY helpful. I assure you I don't have all, or even some of the answers you are looking for. I just wanted you to know that there are others out there that have recently discovered Christ...and it's a good thing! Keep asking and keep reading. MrDuke

Just got back from the hospital. My 1 year old just fell down the stairs at grandma's and knocked his bottom front tooth out of the socket. Not knocked out completely, mind you, just out of socket--root exposer and all. They couldn't salvage it so they pulled it. Poor little guy. It's not a life or death situation so I just label it as frustrating. Somewhere in the future I'll explain that knocking out a tooth is nothing in the grand scheme of things...he should suck it up!! If you guys are still praying, I humorously ask for some leniency, or smoke and mirrors, or to keep me off the radar, or whatever will work to get this bad ju-ju off me. Seriously now, this is turning into something analagous to a really bad poker night...always 3's and 8's.

You guys are the greatest! I sincerely thank you for your offer but someone else beat you to it! The generosity and compassion out there is just amazing. Our CFO came in personally helped us out...almost cried when he did that. Man...I am so blessed. Between my family, you guys, my employer, and all those expressing their love and compassion, I know I can get through this. My thanks again! God Bless, MrDuke

To all, My faith is being tested, yet again, but it's not life and death so we'll be ok. First of all, rather than ramble on, you can check on Danielle's progress at http://www3.caringbridge.org/oh/deryck/ She is improving and her side effects are...minimal, considering all that is possible. I have been working on a pharmaceutical compound (so she can take her medicine without the "yuck") for 3 weeks now and have a big goose-egg to show for it...but I will figure it out. Maybe not in time to benefit Danielle, but some child out there will benefit. The reason I say we're being tested is that on Monday we became the victims of possible identity theft. Our bank account was wiped clean as of Monday. I mean, really, just how much can one family take??!! I'd rather take a knife in the chin from "Gooter", not that he's skilled enough to get that close, than to have to deal with this nightmare on top of everything else. I tell you this, not for your sympathy, but to learn from it. The compromised card was our check and cash card, not a true credit card. FYI- C&C cards MAY not be protected by the $50 limit law. Periodically check your finances to ensure security and confirm that your C&C card has fraud protection. Also, look at the fine print--it makes a difference. If by some miracle you know someone who is involved in this type of activity (don't be offended...as a pharmacist, I associate with people on the wrong side of the law so I know the contacts are out there), let them know that, NO, the banks and credit card companies don't always foot the bill and, YES, it hurts REAL people. That's $1500 plus overdraft fees that I have to do without during an incredibly difficult time. To whoever may be responsible: enjoy the TV from Circuit City, the fine bed linens from Bed,Bath & Beyond and the espresso maker from Starbucks--may God forgive you. Fatty-- Sorry I haven't gotten back to you. Things are fast and furious around here. We are free this Monday night to do carryout. We can't take Danielle out so it'd have to be you coming over to our house. Also (sorry to be so anal), if either of you are less than 100% healthy, we have to make it another night. All of this is assuming you are free. Let me know if it works for you, I'll give you directions then. Your brother in Christ, Brian (MrDuke) BTW, I want to make a contribution to the GC since I spent/plan on spending most of my playing time here. What's the easiest way to contribute? And please don't tell me you take credit cards...I can just see the sarcastic jabs coming.

Aug, That pretty much matches up with my notes. The patient I had was 9 months old and started out with small amounts of thin fluids. It's almost contradicting because I remember the mom saying the water usually ended up going up towards his nose instead of down his throat. That caused distress and anxiety but couldn't be helped because thicker agents might tear the tissues. Austin danced a fine line because his tissues were healing so he couldn't handle anything other than thin fluids, but once he hit "the point", he had an easier time with thicker agents (the bolus stayed together and went down all at once). MY problem was trying to gage the viscosity of the liquid....but we worked it out. It sounds like progress is being made but she's suffering along the way. Believe me, I know how hard it is to watch your child suffer. You feel helpless, angry, restless, scared...etc. Stay strong. I've found that looking for the little things, some of which go unseen by the docs, tells you more about the healing of your child. Watch her eyes and eyebrows-- do they light up more and more as people come in? When Danielle was in her comfort zone (before all of this), she used to play with her hair. She did not do that in the hospital until the next to last day, but I picked up on it and it told me she was healing. Watch for signs like that. In the mean time, let me know if you need any help with getting meds down her throat. I've spent the last 8 days whipping up weird potions to get things down Danielle's throat. I can come up with something and phone the recipe over to whatever pharmacy you go to. Be the Rock, Brian

Aug, I've thought about you many times this week but have been afraid to call you. Not that I'm intimidated, but I'd like to have 30 un-interupted minutes to talk with you and I can't seem to get the time. My phone just keeps ringing. Danielle won't take a certain medicine and I've spent 4 days trying to formulate a compound that she'll take...(about the only advantage of having your dad being a pharmacist). I thought about you and how your daughter may have swallowing issues. I'm sure the docs are on top of this but it never hurts to ask a few questions. Can she handle food products with thicker viscosities such as pudding or jello? If so, you can purchase a thickening agent (Thick-It) to create pudding-like products from any liquid she likes. I'd stay away from high-sugar products, though. I had some patients with similar swallowing issues so I'll dig up my old notes and see if any of them might be helpful to you. Give me an idea of what and how much she can tolerate. I know she'll have to learn to eat, drink and swallow all over again and that will be difficult for all. I pray that God gives your family strength and the doctors wisdom. As far as Danielle goes, Keli posted her latest day's events on her website. I'm really confused about my emotions (not gender confusion, Bean!). I have such an inner peace about this whole thing that I don't consider bad news "bad". It's just news that I have to incorporate into my life. Of course, when I hear good news, I go nuts!!! But the fear is gone, that's for sure. Maybe this is the "acceptance" stage you hear about but I think it's more of a "faith" stage. As a dad, my analogy to this test is this: Be the rockwall on the oceanfront. Somedays will be rough and somedays will be easy but you WILL take a beating everyday. Stay strong. As all things do, you will wear down over time, which is ok. God will give you the strength to endure. As long as you are strong for your family through the day-to-day stuff, that is what is important. (Besides...nobody can see the rocks crying when it's dark outside). I'm praying for you and your family, Aug. I know I don't have to say it, but I will--Stay as strong as you can, be the rockwall. Call me at work if you want help with her swallowing...or just to talk. 330-836-6306.

Well, I just showed my wife the gOOt, Cooter, Gooter debacle and all she could do is laugh uncontrollably and kept shouting "THAT'S FUNNY!!!" That's the hardest we've laughed since this thing began. So...in my eyes, you are now forever more, "Gooter". As to what a Gooter is...well... I'm thinkin' something along the lines of a Dr. Seuss beast of some sort...Maybe a new type of rash, as in "I have a gooter on my arm". Maybe it's some sort of bodily function, as in "I just gootered...hee,hee". Just having some fun here with my wife showing her the postings. Thanks for making us laugh. Brian and Keli. Fatty, right now we're afraid to leave Danielle so I don't think we can do anything until next week, at least. But I DO want to see you guys...I think it will be helpful. God Bless you all, Brian

LOL!! I've seen gOot and Cooter and somehow I ended up with Gooter. Besides--"Gooter" sounds better. I've called MadBean "Squirty" quite a few times so at least Gooter isn't as bad as that. No more 1.6?? No more Scoutknives??!! YES!!! I guess it's been that long since I tried to jump on. I was too cheap to pay the cost of the upgrade...I'll pick it up soon so I can chat with you guys. Fatty + Tequila = ugly , huh?? Well, I haven't done tequila since college and I think I'm still in therapy over it. All I remember is barrel-fulls of lemons, blocks of salt, gallons of Tequila (cheap) and naked slip and slide (70% guys, 30% girls)...not good memories. Well, I got another dose of bad news. The lymphoblasts weren't killed in quantities they wanted to see--they may be more resistant than we suspected. I don't know what happens from here. I'll keep you posted. God Bless, Brian

Gooter, I honestly don't feel like I've ministered ( I don't even think I know how). I just decided to put my trust in God, put my feelings on the table, and show no more hesitation or embarrassment about my faith. I'm sincerely glad that others can get something positive out of all of this mess. I know I'm getting something out of it. First and foremost, my faith went from lukewarm to hardcore. After that, I don't know what the rest of this holds. Maybe it was meant to make my marriage stronger, maybe it convinced a wishy-washy resident to make the decision to go into pediatric oncology, maybe it brings another person closer to Christ...I don't know. All I know is that I'm being tested and I have faith that we will beat this. I come here 2 or 3 times a day just to see more words of support and I'm never disappointed...even if no one's posted since my last visit. You guys are the greatest. If you want any of the details as to what's going on, my wife set up a website at www.caringbridge.com. Enter Ohio and "Deryck" to get the info. God Bless, Brian (MrDuke) Has Fatty decided to get rid out Scoutknives yet??!!! I HATE that map!!

Fatty, You're on! We feel better the more we talk...besides, I haven't been out in a while. Let me check with the Boss and see what's open. I'll give you some dates to see what fits your schedule. Thanks, Brian

To all, You have no idea the peace I feel when I read all of your responses. Thank you. You can go to caringbridge.com and look for the last name of Deryck in Ohio. She got another round of chemo and it knocked her down pretty good. Not many side effects, just exhaustion. I'll take that as a successful day and I thank God for that. Aug, I got your PM, but I think I might have lost it since I "backpaged" and I'm not familiar with PMing...not to mention being on a hospital computer. I'll humbly let you know if I need it again. You have my support and prayers for your child and family in anyway you need it. If you need a shoulder to lean on, ask MadBean for my number(s) as I don't want to post them here...and I don't know how to PM. May God bless you all, MrDuke BTW, can you get rid of scoutknives??!! I HATE that map!!!!!!@!

I don't even know where to begin with this... I don't have a lot of time to spend on this forum and the last time I did I was chatting with Cong and Aug about being a Christian. On Friday, October 29th (?) my beautiful 2 year old daughter was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia. Fast forwarding past the tears and fears, she's had transfusions, surgeries and chemotherapy. It's been the worst week of my life and I say that without hesitation. It's humiliating, embarassing and downright hurtful to admit that it takes a crisis like this to make your faith a high priority. To Cong and Aug, I came to the realization that God is more concerned with who I am than what I do. The "what I do" comes afterwards...thanks for helping me with that. I know most of you don't know me, as I don't jump on as much (besides, I HATE scoutknives!!)but I ask for your prayers for my little one. Please don't pray for a "divine" intervention because I don't think that's what praying is about. I believe this is all part of His plan...I just don't know the script yet. What I ask for is strength to get through this difficult time, serenity for my wife and kids, knowledge for the doctors and thankfulness for the support staff (too many people to list). If you have kids and you just read this message, go give them a hug and a kiss and express your love to them. Appreciate what you have. I think back and, if I could, I would change the past to take a little longer to read a second book to my daughter before bedtime than to "cut it short" to get a little more CS time. I'm ashamed to admit that, and I ask for forgiveness from my savior in front of the witnesses who read this. When I found out I could lose my little one, I cried to the point of vomiting. When I settled down I came to the conclusion that I couldn't handle losing her...and in a moment of serenity, I then realized that God gave up his son for us. Same type of situation, and He did it. He let his Son suffer and, temporarily, die for us. I'll summarize that-- I couldn't handle the pain of giving up my child, but God did. THAT, my friends, is something to choke on. It is a gift of such monumental proportions that I can't describe it. THAT is love. Accept the gift and prioritize it in your life. Cong and Aug, I've never met you guys before and I've chatted with you two or three times...and I love ya both. Your brother in Christ, Brian (MrDuke)

Just wanted to say I really enjoyed the brief exchange with you guys. At the very least, I got some of this weight off my shoulders. Just to offer another facet to this forum, if it hasn't already been done, I'd be happy to field any drug questions (legal drugs only) for those people who may have some(questions, not drugs). Let me know if it's do-able.

Auggy, That's my problem. I pray a lot for my patients that I know have cancer. I ask that God give them strength and courage to get through this part of HIS plan. But I don't tell that person I prayed for them. I pay for someone's meds that fall through the cracks of the healthcare system, but I don't tell them I did it. I do lot's of things like that, not because I have to, but because I want to. My problem is, should I be telling people--hey, I just want you to know I am praying for you? I am scared but I don't know why. I know they won't come over the counter and beat me up or something!! Does a true Christian pray for another person (for the right reasons) and then tell that person so that maybe that person begins a relationship with Christ? Does a true Christian say "your meds are paid for by a Christian friend" in the hopes of bringing that person closer to Christ or do you just let it go--be anonymous. That's my dilema... is the lukewarm Christian the one who goes through the motions, but does not spread the word? And is that good enough, knowing you could do more? Are you giving your all to Christ? I guess something inside me is calling me to do more. I mean, you hear about all these people running missionaries in awful places--putting their families in harm's way and all I can think about is,"What made them do it?" What were they thinking before they said--I think I'll go to Zimbobawue and preach. What's makes people like that different than people like us? They truly give their all. Money, family, security, everything. What do we do?? Read our Bibles, pay $20 a week, go to church once a week. That just doesn't seem right?? I worry that if I don't reach that level of commitment to Christ, I may be left behind. But I honestly don't think I could put my family in harm's way. I don't think I could leave my job and my house and my air conditioning, blah, blah. That's why I feel like a lukewarm. I believe, but I don't give my all to spreading his word. That's scary.

I think you hit it on the head when you mentioned not being at peace. When I first came to Christ I did not feel worthy of the gift. I kept asking my mentor, "It's that easy?". Simply put, I was looking too hard for it...trying to make it too complicated (not taking away from the gravity of it). I think maybe I'm in the same situation. Maybe I'm looking to make it harder than it needs to be. I just get worried because of all the conflicting information out there. I worry that I'm missing something. Case in point, (just to promote some more discussion). I had two of my ministers tell me two different things with regards to baptism. Not the initial issue of whether child baptism is worthwhile, but is baptism required once you have a relationship with Christ? Required in the sense that it is necessary to go to heaven? One says yes, one says no. Both have supporting scripture. My gut doesn't tell me anything...other than go get another dish of ice cream. What's your thought on this?