Peckles

From one of my textbooks: "If it were possible to strip away your learned responses...you would be about as complex and exciting as a turnip."

Sheiks are real stylish

Have you ever been so pooped that you accidentally flushed yourself?

-40 with wind? Guess I'll wear sleeves.

Some people have photographic memories. I have a photogenic memory, which means you all look better in my head.

Sooo it's -31 with the wind chill. I should've woken up earlier to put on all of my clothes

If somebody could walk on my spine, that'd be great.

My chimney got a flue shot and now it won't work

Everytime I get mints from a restaurant, I keep them as mementhos.

Losin' weight. (read: poopin')

For one day only I will be made of ham.

I'm an amputea pot, short and stout; Here is my handle, where is my spout?

430AM sucks no matter what time of day it is.

This Ikea product assembly manual told me to tighten the nuts and now I can't breathe.

Out of town for a week. Don't rent my room out.

You look scared. Is it because I'm nude?

I just soiled myself. Soon I will be a beautiful garden.

Mammograms are apparently not similar to candygrams.

Cedars smell nice, but they give up too easily.

My notes on taxonomy were all out of order, so I decided to phylum.

I tried to buy an ion, but the cashier said for me, no charge.

If I remote desktop into a computer, then remote desktop back into the first computer, will the universe explode?

At what point is it appropriate to tell someone their hair is losing its colour? Seems like a bit of a grey area...

If you don't behave, I'm giving your ice cream to the dog. The ice cream is recoverable, but you'd have to eat the dog too, and you're not getting a new dog.

I just drank a lot of water. Now I'm waiting to pee before I go to bed.