Real Pilot to Tower transmissions

[dwEEziL]

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers

 

Tower: 'Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock , 6 miles!'

Delta 351: 'Give us another hint! We have digital watches!'

 

Tower: 'TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.'

TWA 2341: 'Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up

here?'

Tower: 'Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a

727?'

 

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: 'I'm

f...ing

bored!'

Ground Traffic Control: 'Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself

immediately!'

Unknown aircraft: 'I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!'

 

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****

**********************

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: 'United 329 heavy, your traffic is a

Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound.'

United 329: 'Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the

little

Fokker in sight.'

 

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****

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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While

attempting

to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, 'What was your last known

position?'

Student: 'When I was number one for takeoff.'

 

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****

***********************

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll

out

after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: 'American 751, make a hard right turn at the end

of

the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe

exit

off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.'

 

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****

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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard

the

following:

Lufthansa (in German): ' Ground, what is our start clearance time?'

Ground (in English): 'If you want an answer you must speak in English.'

Lufthansa (in English): 'I am a German, flying a German airplane, in

Germany. Why must I speak English?'

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):

'Because

you lost the bloody war!'

 

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****

************************

Tower: 'Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency

124.7'

Eastern 702: 'Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the

way,after we

lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the

runway.'

Tower: ' Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,

contact

Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern

702?'

BR Continental 635: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and

yes,

we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers.'

 

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*************************

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short

of

the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out,

turned

around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in

the

DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, 'What a cute little plane. Did you

make

it all by yourself?'

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a

real

zinger: 'I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and

I'll

have enough parts for another one.'

 

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****

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a

short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking

location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it

was

with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following

exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747,

call

sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: ' Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.'

Ground: 'Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.'

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: 'Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?'

Speedbird 206: 'Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location

now.'!

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): 'Speedbird 206, have you not

been

to Frankfurt before?'

Speedbird 206 (coolly): 'Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I

didn't land.'

 

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****

*********************

While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight

departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose

with a

United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air

crew,

scre aming: 'US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to

turn

right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there.

I

know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but

get

it right!'

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting

hysterically: 'God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever

to

sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!

You

can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I

want

you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you!

You

got that, US Air 2771?'

'Yes, ma'am,' the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly

silent

after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance

engaging

the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in

every

cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an

unknown

pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: 'Wasn't I

married

to you once?-

[stutters]

[Playaa]

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a

short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking

location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it

was

with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following

exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747,

call

sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: ' Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.'

Ground: 'Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.'

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: 'Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?'

Speedbird 206: 'Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location

now.'!

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): 'Speedbird 206, have you not

been

to Frankfurt before?'

Speedbird 206 (coolly): 'Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I

didn't land.'

 

Always been one of my favorites.

[dwEEziL]

/me pummels stutters with a 4 iron

[Jiffy]

LOL my uncle is a pilot and would love these.

[THX1138]

Thats some really funny stuff