Okay, reflecting and reaching out...

[Brillow_Head]

I appologize for the book. Call it a short autobiography that might be worth reading for some and a request for support.

 

I graduated college on December of 2004. At the time I was engaged to my wonderful wife and I was about to embark on a journey that I had been eagerly waiting for since I left High School, almost to a fault.

 

The journey was "real life." It was not having to take tests every two or three weeks, it was not having to work part time after shool with the rest of my time devoted to studying. It was not working all summer 40+ hours a week to have your savings drained when that bill for school comes around. Finnally it was not having your life be a 9 month state of dynamics and change.

 

I wanted roots, I wanted security, I wanted stability.

 

Well...right now I have a degree and a full time job, a fantastic and supportive woman at my side, a setup in a town that's by no means permanent (because we are renting and will probably not live here for any long period of time), a strong start on financial retirement, and for the first time in my life (childhood included) I'm not forced to live from paycheck to paycheck.

 

I count my blessings and I thank God for all the opportunities that he has placed at my lap.

 

...however, I've made some mistakes that I wish I could reach back into the past and litterally smack myself upside the head and say "PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR REAR AND REALIZE THAT WHAT YOU ARE DOING NOW IS GOING TO HURT YOU LATER!"

 

It's not that I did something horrendus like cheat on my wife, or did drugs or anything of the like. I was guilty of just simply not carring about the college phase of my life. I thought it was the last stepping stone I had to jump over to get from point A to point B. I was wrong. The saying that "It's not the destination, but the journey that is important," is so true...I cant even begin to explain.

 

I slacked on my general electives to start with. Where my wife would look at those credits and say "Oh, Easy A for the GPA," I looked at them and said "Who cares, they are not what I need for a job." and as a result I did not apply myself, skipped classes, didn't crack the text etc and as a result....C grades was the norm.

 

So now my GPA was an uphill battle I had to fight my entire college carrier and the nasty concequence was that in order to bring it up I needed to get A's in my ever difficult Electrical Engineering classes.

 

I am not a naturally apt individual. You have those that see it and it clicks, they can visualize and know how to expand that knowledge and apply that knowledge. Then you have those that are just as smart and just as able only by the fact that they kept their nose in the book...because they payed to learn, they were there to learn. It that respect, I could have been one of them. If I study, read, examing, and re-examine, I can learn anything and excell at anything......

 

However, I have a lack of the one thing....the ONE thing that make the second type of individual succeed...determination. Out of determination you have persitance, concentration, patience, and dependability. Without determination, you have frustration, procrastination, distraction, and flat out lazyness.

 

Now you need to understand that I made some choices before college that saved me from a world of hurt right now. I enlisted in the Air National Guard and it opened the door to alot of benefits. GI bill, which gave me an income so I would not have to work at all durring school for the first 4 years. I had 50% tuition assistance, which cut my tuition (not class cost, books, living, etc) in half. And finally I had Student Loan Repayment which states that when obtain my first Bachelors degree, the millitary will pay for $20,000 of my student loans. So basically, if you dont factor in loans over and above 20k and interest on the loans...I got a college education for free. Thank the Lord for these gifts!

 

Getting back on track to my tale...I let my wants and "nice"-issties (the opposite of necessities) dictate that most (like 5/8) of my free time outside of class was planting my happy rear end in front of the deamon machine and losing myself in the self gratification and endless creativity of video games.

 

I should have been studying...I should have gone to class instead of beating the next dungeon on Diablo II. I should have gone to the review sessions.

 

should have, should have, should have....

 

I missed a class here, slept through a class there...soon I was lost in some of my classes and my grades suffered. I felt like I was letting my instructors down, I felt like I was letting my Dad down....in the end I was letting myself down. I get to the point where I was so lost in class that I didn't go to class so I wouldn't feel lost. I looked at my classmates and could see in their eyes that while they pressed on and stayed the coarse and did what was asked of them that I was unpredictalbe, unpunctual, and in the end, undependable.

 

I was in college for 5 1/2 years (can you say Van Wilder?!) and I graduated with a Bachelors of Science in Electrical Engineering. But what South Dakota State let walk out the door was an underprepared, undershapped, undereducated graduate. I was not marketable as a worth while employee.

 

Again, I thank the Lord for two things...a woman whom I meet and married partly because I was still there when I met her, and a boss who can see my potential as a engineer.

 

So here I am. Two years out of college. I have the life I wanted for so long, and all I want to do is fix the errors I made. Not by going back...but by moving forward.

 

My boss said that I need goals... obtainable, tangible and measurable goals. My wife has helped me to set goals for myself in the past 9 months indirectly. Personal finances, eating habbits, punctuality, dependability, and physical fitness.

 

Like I had mentioned earlier I'm not living paycheck to paycheck anymore, we have a diversified retirement fund rolling and I have enough money to live off of for proabably a year if we needed to. CHECK.

 

Punctuality and dependability...the look on my wifes face is enough to tell me that I need to be where I need to be on time, and when I say I am. If not for her, then for myself. It feels great to be called on again to do things for others. Its a lesson on selflessness that I have forgoten. I dont want to be the individual that cant be counted on except for things that are self serving. I wont be that person. I'm at work on time, I work dilligently and I meet deadlines with exceeded quality. Room for improvement...always.

 

 

Eating habbits and physical fitness...the numbers speak for themselves. I weighed in at 207 lbs when I attended FF05. I was on the verge of man boobs and my self confidence lvl was very low. As of yesterday, I weighed in at 183.6 lbs. I can run for 2 miles without getting winded, I can bench over my weight...and that is something I've never been able to do...ever. I feel great. My goal is my pre college weight of 175 lbs....but I'm gaining more muscle so I think I'll hit 180 and hover which is fine by me. This is a life change, I'm going to be the 60 year old guy that aside from his hair is going to look like he could take on a 20 year old.

 

Now...here is wher I need the communities help and support. I almost made a debacle (sp) of my education. Its time I did something about it.

 

My next two goals are as follows.

Starting immediately: Study material and refresh on topics up until and leading to what they call the F.E. or Field Exam. Engineers know what this test is and the know how important it is in one's career. If they want to be a Proffesional Engineer, they need to pass this test (along with schooling and other tests). Needless to say I had to take the test to graduate, not pass...and I didn't. I have almost all my coarse work from college, books, notes, tests, quizes and homework and they sell books pertaining to the FE.

 

I'll retest next fall and I'll pass. I have to. I owe it to myself to to this.

 

Goal number 2:

When I pass this test that fall, I will start down the path to my Master's Degree starting January 2008. I dont know if I want to Master in Electrical Engineering, or Computer Science, but I'll make that choice later. I know I cant erase my mistakes I made in college, but I can learn from them and demonstrate to myself that I can reach a performance level that would probably shock even myself. And in the end it will open more doors and help to further establish security for my new family down the road.

 

This is going to take alot of time. On top of a wife I want to spend time with and a full time career this will be demanding. It's going to be exciting at first, and down right frustrating and tiresome later. I have a addiction to gamming and I cant let it domminate my time again....not again. I dont want to give it up as I love it as a hobby, its a great time, its been more than just a game ever since I found this community and I feel like I might be able to take a step back and realize that gamming is what I can do...not what I must do in order to stay happy and block out the world.

 

 

I need help. I'm not going to be throwing my computer away, and I'm not going to quit gamming cold turkey...I have too much fun and have grown comfortable with this family (GC ) to turn my back and walk away. I just need encouragement...

 

Thx for reading.

Brill

Edited August 21, 2006 by Brillow_Head

[anonymo]

Wow...sounds a lot like someone I know...(me)

 

That bit about determination really hit home...I can tell you this, if I had a second crack at university I'd take it in a heartbeat...

 

You know we can ban you from the servers between specific times of the day, just make a schedule and an LA can put it in a config file...not like that will really help much.

 

I know there are video game addiction help programs here in Toronto. I've had a cousin go weekly for nearly a year, but it didn't help him at all. He would (and still does) play from when he wakes up to late at night (9am - 3am). He's currently in his early 40's, living with his mother and 2 sisters, both of whom have children in the house as well. He's only ever worked part time, but hasn't been able to keep a job for more than a month at a time. It can be really frightful to think about, but I think I've always kept it in the back of my mind to use as a deterant for becoming too addicted to playing games. Basically I think the best thing to do is keep yourself focused on your real life and know the signs of a problem. Don't let pride stand in the way of your dreams.

 

Good luck brill...it sounds like you have some great support along with everyone in this community.

[MrDuke]

Sorry for the rambling.

 

It sounds like you are ahead of the game in that you have identified your goals, the means to your goals and the obstacles in obtaining your goals. That's great! That's half the fight!

However, you seem to be questioning your determination, your diligence. There's nothing wrong with that and I feel we all struggle with that question at some point in our lives.

Having experienced both extremes of the pendulum myself and also being around people that consistently succeed, I've seen the 'trend' of being successful. Those that are successful in whatever they do (weightloss, money, business) have well laid out goals and review them frequently. You probably can relate to it since you lost some weight. Weightloss requires a goal (186lbs) and constant review (everytime you eat or think about exercising).

Successful people have their goal in the forefront of their minds. It is the primary thought of the day, everyday.

 

I also sense some regret. That is not a bad thing as long as you can turn it into a good thing, which you've done. An observant man learns from his mistakes, an ignorant man makes no mistakes.

 

Whatever your choices are, make sure you keep your wife intricately involved. Make sure you balance your time between your goal and your marriage. Too many times (myself included) I see people take their marriage for granted. They work it backwards by thinking that because they see their spouse everyday and because they are married, their spouse will automatically forgive them. They say or do anything without thinking of the consequences.

You should be the MOST considerate to your spouse, worry even MORE about what you say and how you say it to your spouse, worry MOST about how your actions may hurt them and, finally (in your case), how your time away will affect them. Talk to her and keep her intricately involved in the planning and execution of your goal.

 

I'm sorry to ramble Brillow, but you are so far ahead of the game that I just feel... proud I guess and I had to comment on it all.

 

Grace be with you,

 

Duke

[CowboyFromHell`X]

Brillow I haven't had the priveledge of playing in game with you or talking to ya on the forums but if it's okay I'm going to weigh in.

 

I've been on almost the opposite side of Duke. Almost everyone I have met through the 20 years of my life have failed. Miserably. They all had one thing in common and in fact it was to have everything they wanted right away. They never really built themselves a solid foundation. So on their way to get to the "high" part of life, their falls were long ones.

 

What you are doing is very wise. You recognized your mistakes and instead of saying "it's impossible" or "I can't do it", you've built yourself a foundation. The more goals you make for yourself (weightloss, kicking the PC drug, etc..) the more you will trust yourself. The more you trust yourself the higher your determination will be. Determination isn't something you're born with, it's something you gain after hard work (which you're doing) and a positive attitude (which you have).

 

Another mistake people make is going cold turkey on all the fun things in their lives. They never take time out of the day to do something relaxing because they work too long and too hard. The mind needs time to rest during the day (not just when you're asleep) and an hour or two a day of fun is very beneficial. If you're worried about gaming too much, just set a schedule everyday of when you can have fun and when that time comes HAVE FUN!!

 

Hope this helps big cat.

[Xterminator]

Brillow first i'd like to congratulate you on turning your life around. I read this story and i'm thinking to myself. Wow i wasn't the only one.

 

Your story sounds like my life. I went to college for 4 years to obtain a diploma in Electronic Engineering Technology. In my first semester i didn't talke college seriouslly and i failed 2 courses. One of the courses was a Core course and that inturn set me back an entire year. I was always gaming and not going to class etc the works.

 

I then smartened up because i didn't want to make the same mistakes my brother did. He never finished colleges and everything is about his computer. He has a decent job but if he finished school he would have had a better one.

 

Anyways what saved me was a social life. I know it sounds kinda weird but it's true. I used to be somewhat anti-social in my late highschool pre-college days. I never went out. I always stayed home watched the tube or played video games.

 

About my 2nd year into college i started going out more, which meant less time for video games. I made friends for life who encouraged me to stay in school and do my best. This is what saved me and not more than 4 months ago i graduated with an Electronic Engineering Technology diploma.

 

You are completely right, Goals are what will help you make it through life. Now at 23 i have a comfortable full time job with a great starting salary, all due to finishing school. I have very little expenses (since i still live at home) so i'm saving all my money and investing, at 23 i'm laughing.

 

Great story brillow, let it be a an inspiration to all those who are confused in this world. I'm reminded of how my parents keep telling me, do this dont make the same mistakes we did. And you know they're right as much as we hate to admit it they are.

 

As for the gaming Issue, just say no. You dont think it's that easy but trust me it is. You have a wife now to support you. If you spend too much time have her remind you! and if that fails just get her to pull the plug . I doubt it'll come to that. Find some more hobbies to fill in that gaming gap so u can slowly chissel away at the time u spend gaming.

Edited August 31, 2006 by Xterminator

[Chief]

Man I liked reading that! I was the person that never did homework in HS or college because it all clicked and I rarely left a class without having finished the homework for that day before class was over. Needless to say I developed some bad habits and got spoiled on being able to coast. I faced many of your challenges and I have two things to offer you. You already touched on them, and Duke said similar. It inspired me to write a book of my own in response. A friend showed me this solution (the guy that's back in Afghanistan for his 3rd trip with the 3rd SF Group) and it helped me take control of my life and end up being the youngest person on the faculty at Purdue and later helped me make the decision to quit my job and go unemployed for 2 years while I cared for my mom while she died. The Lord helps those who help themselves, and sharing my solution with you is a way for me to "pay it forward."

 

1st:::Goals. These saved my life & career and became something I always spent a chunk of the first week of all of my classes discussing and working on with my students at Purdue. There was a survey at Harvard some years ago (not Purdue, not a community college...Harvard). They surveyed a graduating class and had them self report on their happiness of all types: financial, personal, physical, sexual, etc. and they asked them if they had taken the time to write goals/objectives. 10% had done this. At their 10 or 20 year reunion they followed up that same Harvard graduating class. The 10% who had written goals and objectives rated themselves more satisfied in every *EVERY* category and they were worth more financially than the other 90%.

 

Please note that these goals are WRITTEN! They have to be, and you have to be willing to go back to them and reevaluate. When I started doing it, I wrote them out, with all the detail, and then I wrote down the basic goals on a regular ol' notecard and folded it up and put it in my wallet. Everytime I bought something I would think about them. When my wallet was empty of cash I would think about how my goals would help fix it etc.

 

Goals are an effective way to help guide future courses of action. Making a decision can be easier when one is able to ask, "Does this help me achieve my future goals?" SMART goals are one effective method of developing a system of goals and objectives that will help prepare you to enter this new era of Brillowness practiced in making decisions that are in accordance with your beliefs. Plotting a happy life requires a moral compass--where do you stand NOW and where do you want to be?

 

Specific--I need more details, Scotty!!!

 

Measurable--How long, how far, how fast, how much, how rich, how old? Let's see some numbers.

 

Achievable--Is it legal? Does it violate laws of physics? Can you actually do anything to help attain it?

 

Reasonable--It may BE possible, but do you really want to sacrifice THAT MUCH?

 

Timed--When do you want to accomplish this goal?

 

 

 

For the project, think about where you would like to be in a few years. What do you want to accomplish, what do you want to achieve? Start with three time frames: short term (weeks/months); mid term (months/1-2years); long term (a few years to retirement).

 

Think about a few basic categories and write SMART goals for each:

 

Education--You want to obtain professional certification & you want an advanced degree? Do you want another Bachelors? Beyond that do you want to learn how to do something? Do you want to read some book? This is a good chance to do some reseach and start thinking about a major and what pre-reqs you need and which courses you might need to take a refresher at a community college to make sure you go into the real program with confidence and the tools to succeed from day 1

 

Employment--Do you want to work for a specific industry or company? Do you want to reach a certain position? Do you want to own your own business? Make a certain salary? Think about the coming years and promotion as well as the "end game" it will help reveal the path to achieving these things

 

Retirement--How old do you want to be, what do you want to do, where do you want to live?

 

Family--Where do you want to raise them? How much will it cost to provide for them?

 

Physical fitness--So you wanna be a Navy SEAL? What's it going to take?

 

Material possessions--That new Porsche is going to cost a pretty penny. Better start planning.

 

Life experience--Always wanted to explore Macchu Pichu? Sail around the world? Learn to fly?

 

 

 

If you start putting together some goals, I would be happy to look at them and help you make sure that they're SMART goals. Properly thought through and researched goals make life much easier. It's still hard, but you'll know which decisions will make you and your wife happy much more easily.

 

This is already so long, I'm not going to put an example, but let me know if you need/want help.

 

+++++

 

2nd:::MIT has open courses that you can teach yourself. They are real MIT classes and notes. If you're sincere and write the professors, they will often get back if you have a specific problem.

 

http://ocw.mit.edu/index.html

 

However, SERIOUSLY consider taking a couple of classes at the community college. They're cheap and will give you some momentum for your grad classes. (Personally, I recommend an MBA rather than EE Masters but you know more about your career track).

[Brillow_Head]

Think about a few basic categories and write SMART goals for each:

 

This is EXACTLY the term used by my supervisors and co-workers when writting our evaluations. I indeed have decided that I should expand my goals outside of work. You hit the nail on the head.

 

I wrote down the basic goals on a regular ol' notecard and folded it up and put it in my wallet. Everytime I bought something I would think about them. When my wallet was empty of cash I would think about how my goals would help fix it etc.

 

In the words of the Guiness Guys..."BRILLIANT!" What an awesome way to go about doing it. If the card has a bunch of lines through all the goals you have accomplished and you've used up both sides of the card then THAT is progress. If the card has one line on it, is dirty, worn, and probably washed...then one would have to either:

 

A) Re-evaluate the goal on the note card. Was this goal too lofty, do I need to baby step from other goals to this one?

Examine the original drive behind the goal. Was this goal what I really wanted? Is this goal what I want now?

 

Because if the goal trully is important for you, then you wont forget about it. I love it....I should do this.

 

 

 

Find some more hobbies to fill in that gaming gap so u can slowly chissel away at the time u spend gaming

 

Ind33d. I've taken up golf in the last two weeks. I'm excited about the game. The last time I was this pumped about outdoor sports I was in high school and discovered my natural apptitude for tennis. 4.5 years later I was playing varsity for my high school. I gave up the game and moved on due to life changes...but golf...golf is a life long sport that one may never master. It gets me outside, moves more than my mouse and keyboard hand, and while it may prompt colorful language just as much as a running AK headshot, is a refined game of patience, practice and determination...

 

Good stuff guys, thanks for the stories!

[Shazz]

Great post...and responses.

 

Here is a fantastic book! If you want to read about Failing Foward...here is it. http://www.leadershipnow.com/leadershop/7430-8.html

 

This link is just a representation of this book. You can buy it cheaper at amazon or ebay. Without a doubt one of the best books about going foward after mistakes that I have ever read.