Peckles

I am a jolly pig, and I find many trofls.

I am an electronic wizard.

I am too pooped to even poop

I asked for lip balm in an airport. Now the government wants to talk to me.

I can't wait to have kids because goats are awesome

I can't wait until tomorrow evening where 99% of the beer I buy will occupy all of my stomach, thus having a far greater impact than 99% of any other occupy garbage. #occupymybelly

I contemplated getting a third monitor, but really, who needs that many lizards?

I didn't check my pockets before washing my clothes. Now the police are after me for laundering money.

I didn't go outside today. Is there weather?

I didn't watch the orgami documentary because I'm too cheap for paperview.

I don't always finish my sentences, but when I do,

I don't need a smaller size, I just need to get fat.

I don't want to alarm you, but I'm naked under these clothes.

I don't wish to alarm you, but I'm naked under these clothes.

I dunno who made this shirt, because it seams weird.

I filmed myself watching a recording of myself watching Inception.

I got a koi pond. I think it likes me, but it seems a bit nervous.

I got a new mug. It took my wallet.

I got attacked by a jellyfish. Had to get a sting operation.

I got banned from church. Guess I'm non-parishable.

I got mugged. Tea spilled everywhere.

I graduated with so many flying colours, they call me Nyan Cat.

I had a cat once. Dropped a safe on it. It was a write-off, so I stood on its head.

I had a dream where Pat Sajak told me I was ugly.

I hate when I can read my coaster because it means my beer hasn't arrived yet.