Jokes only thread

[Playaa]

absolutely no posts in this topic EXCEPT jokes...don't comment on other jokes, don't spam saying you thought it was "funny"...just post jokes.

 

 

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The

other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator

says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the

guy says: "OK, now what?"

[Playaa]

TOP JOKE IN WALES. A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."

 

TOP JOKE IN ENGLAND. Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other says, "Go home dad you're drunk."

 

TOP JOKE IN SCOTLAND. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

 

TOP JOKE IN NORTHERN IRELAND. A doctor says to his patient, "I have bad news and worse news".

 

"Oh dear, what's the bad news?" asks the patient.

 

The doctor replies: "You only have 24 hours to live."

 

"That's terrible," said the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?".

 

The doctor replies: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

 

TOP JOKE IN UK. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off - go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

 

TOP JOKE IN USA. A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

 

TOP JOKE IN CANADA. When Nasa first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, scientists spent a decade and 12 billion dollars to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

 

TOP JOKE IN AUSTRALIA. This woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"

 

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight...."

 

TOP JOKE IN BELGIUM. Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.

 

TOP JOKE IN GERMANY. A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: "That's it."

[Playaa]

A woman was in bed with her lover, when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered." Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen, and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the "statue," "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

[Playaa]

A Blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other

on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fungame?

The blond, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and

rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and

a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question,and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't

know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches her attention and, figuring there will be no end to

this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

She doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00

bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay, " says the lawyer, "your turn".

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer

and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blond, and hands her $500.00.

She says, "Thank you, " and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes her and asks,

"Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, she reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

[Playaa]

[Playaa]

A man drinking at a bar one day decides he has had his fill for the day. So he chooses to walk home. As he was walking he decides to walk next to the river on his way home. As he stumbling down the river bank he sees a group of people standing in line next to the river. Curious what the line is for he decides to get in line. As he gets closer he sees that there is a Minister dipping peoples head in the water. Not sure why they are doing this he stays in line. Finally he is next.

The Minister askes the drunk man "Are you ready to find Jesus my son?" A little confused the man replies "Sure I'll give it a shot." So the Minister dunks him under water and brings him back up. "Have you found Jesus my son?" The Minister asks. To which the drunk replied "Can't say that i have" So the minister dunks him again "Have you found Jesus my son?" The Minister asks. Still confused the man replies "Not yet !" So the Minister dunks him under again brings him back up and again asks "Have you found Jesus my son?" "NO!" the drunk exclaimes he is looks around a bit and says "ARE YOU SURE THIS IS WHERE THE ****ER WENT IN ?!?!"

[Xterminator]

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

 

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I`m too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I`m going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!

 

Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

 

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

 

Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.....one button at a time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.

 

She gasps...

 

He whispers:

 

"Iron this, and get me something to eat...."

Edited March 31, 2004 by Xterminator

[dwEEziL]

Horse walks into a bar.  Bartender says "Why the long face?"

[Playaa]

Blonde Convention

80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium

for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid Convention".

 

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the

world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a

volunteer?" A blonde gingerly works her way through the

crowd and steps up to the stage.

 

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

 

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"

 

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.

 

Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another

chance! Give her another chance!"

 

The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble

of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the

world-wide press and global broadcastmedia here, gee,

uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he

asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

 

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"

 

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets

out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened -- the

blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell

and wave their hands shouting,

 

"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

 

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm

than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more

chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"

 

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute

eventually says, "Four?". Throughout the stadium

pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to

their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and

scream...

 

"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

[Playaa]

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right

in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to

avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung

his arm out his window and flipped the woman off.

 

"Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and

wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic

and here's why:

 

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each day. Of

these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper

is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in,

that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That's 7

cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or

31,424 cars.

 

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I

pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like

36,000 cars I pass every day.

 

Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000. In any

given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.

 

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying

or unrewarding. That's 449.

 

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have

seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men

as their biggest problem. That's 33.

 

According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry

weapons and this number is increasing.

 

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that

has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously

considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

 

Flip one off?....... I think not.

[All Kill3r]

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the heck she is.

[Magruter]

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when

> she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby

> cemetery.

>

> A long black hearse was followed by a second long black  hearse about

> 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary

> woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance

> back, were about 200 women walking single file.

>

> The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached

> the Woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and

> know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral

> like this. Whose funeral is it?"

>

> "My husband's."

>

> "What happened to him?"

>

> The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

>

> She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

>

> The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my

> husband when the dog turned on her."

>

> A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two

> women.

>

> "Can I borrow the dog?"

>

> "Get in line."

 

[Xterminator]

Might sound dirty at first but read the whole thing

 

 

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

 

Two men applied for the job. One was lame and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the lame guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

 

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

 

Then one day, the rancher`s widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

 

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However, one o`clock came and he didn`t return. Two o`clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and found the rancher`s widow sitting by the fireplace. She quietly called him over to her.

 

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

 

Trembling, he did as she directed.

 

"Now take off my boots."

 

He did so, slowly.

 

"Now take off my socks."

 

He did.

 

"Now take off my skirt."

 

He did.

 

"Now take off my bra."

 

Again with trembling hands he did as he was told.

 

Now," she said, "take off my panties."

 

He slowly pulled them down and off.

 

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes to town again, I`ll fire you on the spot."

Edited March 31, 2004 by Xterminator

[Xterminator]

This is one for the Canadians....

 

 

Two Newfies walk into a pub, stand at the bar drinking a beer and

talking about world affairs.

 

Suddenly a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a codfish sandwich,

begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is

in real distress.

 

One of the guys looks at her and says, "Kin yer swaller?" The woman

shakes her head no.

 

"Kin yer breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head.

 

The Newfie walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress,

yanks down her panties and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her

thigh up to the small of her back.

 

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction

flies out of her mouth.

 

As she begins to breathe again, the Newfie walks slowly back to the bar

and takes a drink from his beer.

 

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick maneuver,

but I ain't never seen nobody do it before!"

Edited March 31, 2004 by Xterminator

[All Kill3r]

A father and son were in a pharmacy one day and the son pointed to the condom display and asked his father the following question. Dad, what is a 3-pack of condoms was used for?

 

The dad replied, son that is for High School boys, one for Friday night, one for Saturday night, and one Sunday night.

 

Oh, I see, said the little boy.

 

The little boy then looked at the display again and asked, dad what is the 6-pack of condoms for then?

 

The dad thought for a moment and said, well son that is for college boys, one for Friday morning and one for Friday night, one for Saturday morning and one for Saturday night, and one for Sunday morning and one for Sunday night.

 

Oh, I see, said he little boy.

 

A little while later the little boy said, dad well what is the 12-pack of condoms for then?

 

Without hesitation the father said those are for married men son, one for January, one for February, one for March...

 

[dwEEziL]

[dwEEziL]

Cops

Two men are driving through West Virginia when they get pulled over by a deputy sheriff.

 

The sheriff walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the sheriff smacks him in the head with the stick. "What the hell was that for?" the driver asks.

 

"You're in West Virginia, boy," the sheriff answers. "When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."

 

"I'm sorry, officer," the driver says, "I'm not from around here."

 

The deputy runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean--and gives his license back.

 

The deputy then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the sheriff smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

 

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger whines.

 

"Just making your wish come true," replies the deputy.

 

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asks.

 

"Well now," says the deputy, "you know and I know that about two blocks down the road you're going to turn to your buddy and say, "I wish that donkey burrow had tried that poop with me !"

[Playaa]

oldie but a goodie

 

A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole whose selling point was that it was on top of the largest skyscraper in town. Another man walks in and asks the bartender for a Jack Daniel's. He downs it, and then takes a running leap out the window. Much to everybody's surprise, he floats back up and climbs through the window back into the bar. The man at the bar is amazed and asks the man how he did it.

"Easy," says the man. "Outside this window are some very strong wind currents which can carry you back to the window."

 

"Wow," says the man at the bar. "I gotta try this." He takes a running leap out the window and falls to a horrible, bloody, and flat death.

 

"Geez, Superman," says the bartender. "You can be a real a jerk when you're drunk."

[dwEEziL]

[dwEEziL]

A man walks out on the ice to do a little ice fishing.  He cuts a hole in the ice and drops his line. 

 

After a few minutes, he hears a loud, booming voice exclaim "THERE ARE NO FISH...UNDER THE ICE...THERE". 

 

The man is startled but listens to the voice.  He moves 20 feet over, cuts another hole in the ice and drops his line again. 

 

Again, after a few minutes he hears the same booming voice, "THERE ARE NO FISH...UNDER THE ICE...THERE".

 

This time the man gets up the nerve to speak.  "God?"  he says in a squeeking voice.  "NO, THIS IS THE ARENA MANAGER AND THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE THERE."

[dwEEziL]

Sorry if this is inappropriate. I don't think it is but others might. It is just too funny to pass up.

 

How they make Coonhounds

[All Kill3r]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he got out, a truck passed too close and tore off the door on the driver's side.

 

The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

 

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined no matter what the body shop did to it.

 

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

 

"I can not believe how materialistic you lawyers are," the cop said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

 

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

 

The cop replied, "Don''t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

 

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex!"

[Xterminator]

Subject: Canadian Temperature Chart

 

50 degrees Fahrenheit (10 degrees C)

Californians shiver uncontrollably,

Canadians plant gardens.

 

 

35 degrees Fahrenheit (1.6 degrees C)

Italian cars won't start,

Canadians drive with the windows down.

 

 

32 degrees Fahrenheit (0 degrees C)

American water freezes,

Canadian water gets thicker.

 

 

0 degrees Fahrenheit (-17.9 degrees C)

New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.

Canadians have the last barbecue of the season.

 

 

-60 degrees Fahrenheit (-51 degrees C)

Mt. St. Helens freezes,

Canadians Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

 

 

-100 degrees Fahrenheit (-73 degrees C)

Santa Claus abandons the North Pole,

Ottawa canal opens for skating.

 

 

-173 degrees Fahrenheit (-114 degrees C)

Ethyl alcohol freezes,

Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

 

 

-460 degrees Fahrenheit (-273 degrees C)

Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops,

Canadians start saying "cold eh?"

 

 

-500 degrees Fahrenheit (-295 degrees C)

Hell freezes over.

Leafs win Stanley Cup.

[All Kill3r]

 

 

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war.

 

After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up >his hand and George asks him what his name is.

 

"Billy".

 

"And what is your question, Billy?"

 

"I have 3 questions.

 

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

 

Second, why are you President, when Al Gore got more votes?

 

And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"

 

Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

 

When they resume, George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right -- question time. Who has a >question?"

 

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is.

 

"Steve".

 

"And what is your question, Steve?".

 

"I have 5 questions.

 

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

 

Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

 

Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?

 

Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?

 

And fifth, what the happened to Billy ?

[Playaa]

An American was backpacking across the highlands, when

he came across a small village where he decided to

spend the night.

 

Upon entering the local pub that evening for some

drinks with the locals, he found himself in a

conversation with one particularly drunk and indignant

individual.

 

"Ya see that fence out there?" The old man asked the

backpacker. "I built that fence with me own hands. But

ya think they call me MacGregor the fence builder? No!"

 

"And that church out there. I hoisted the bell up to

the top with me own hands. But ya think they call me

MacGregor the church builder? No!"

 

And that bridge. I put it together stone by stone. But

ya think they call me MacGregor the bridge builder?

No!"

 

"But ya screw one goat..."