Jokes only thread

[All Kill3r]

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to

Chicago.

 

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and

asked "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big

planes have baby planes?"

 

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the

stewardess.

 

So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats

have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

 

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy said, "yes she did".

 

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest

always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."

 

[All Kill3r]

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.

One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.

 

The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."

 

The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home."

 

POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

 

Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too."

 

POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

 

The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.

 

The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"

 

The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."

[Xterminator]

After a long night of drinking two men were left in the local irish pub. The one man looked around, and seeing no one approached the other patron. He sat down and asked:

 

"So m'lad where's ya from"

 

the other man responds

 

"Ireland"

 

The first man replies with

 

"Aye, what a coincidence i be from Ireland too. Lets have a Pint to Ireland!"

 

So after they have their drink, the other man asks

 

"Where abouts in Irelandl"

 

the man responds

 

"Dublin"

 

"no kidding!, me too" says the other man.

 

"A drink to Dublin!"

 

the man then asks

 

"What school did you go to?"

 

"St. Mary's Catholic, graduated in 72"

 

"wow, i went there too, and finished in 72!, ANOTHER DRINK!!"

 

after a while of asking questions back and forth, another patron walks into the pub and approaches the barkeep. He asks

 

"What's going on?"

 

the barkeep responds

 

"Ah nothing, the O'Malley twins are drunk again!"

[Playaa]

"Things I Have Learned About Texas"

 

Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

 

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Texas (most of them on my ranch.)

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas plus a couple no one's seen before.

 

Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are ripe.

 

If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

 

Nothing will kill a mesquite tree.

 

There are valid reasons some people put razor wire around their house.

 

A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.

 

There are two seasons "Hot" and "Not so hot".

 

Onced and twiced are words.

 

People actually grow and eat okra.

 

Green grass DOES burn.

 

When you live in the country, you don't have to buy a dog. City people drop them off at your gate in the middle of the night.

 

The sound of coyotes howling at night only sounds good for the first couple of weeks.

 

When a buzzard sits on the fence and stares at you, it's time to go to the doctor.

 

Fixin' to is one word.

 

A tank is a dirt hole in the ground that holds water for irrigation, waterin' the cows, or swimming.

 

There ain't no such thing as "lunch". There's only dinner and then there's supper.

 

Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two.

 

Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.

 

'Jeet? is actually a phrase meaning, "Did you eat?"

 

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is.

You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

 

It's always too dark to see before you're done.

 

You know you're from Texas if:

1. You measure distance in minutes.

2. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

3. Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.

4. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no matter what time of the year.

5. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixin' to go to the store.

(Note: in the portion above "fixin' to" is one word......)

6. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

8. You carry jumper cables in your car...for your OWN car.

9. You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" are.

10. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Picante sauce.

11. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.

12. You think sexy lingerie is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.

13. The local papers covers national and international news on one page but requires six pages for local gossip and sports.

14. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

15. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

16. You find 100 degrees F "a little warm."

17. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.

18. You know whether another Texan is from east,west, north or south Texas as soon as they open their mouth.

19. There is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of 1000 or more.

20. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past-time known as "goin Wal-marting or off to "Wally World."

21. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.

22. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop..it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor.

23. You understand these jokes and forward them to your friends from Texas. Always remember you're unique--just like everybody else

Edited April 9, 2004 by Playaa/Pselus

[Silver-Bullet]

Whats the difference between Micheal Jackson, and a grocery bag?

 

 

One is made of plastic and can harm your children, while the other holds food.

~~~~~

 

 

 

ok, so theres these 3 ducks at a pond, then they all get arrested and go 2 court.

In the court room, the judge calls up the first duck

Judge: State your name and what you were doing at the pond

Duck: My name is Quack and I was blowing bubbles

Judge: Thats all? Ok you can go, next.*Next duck comes up* State your name and what you were doing at the pond

Duck: My name is Quack Quack and I was blowing bubbles

Judge: Ok you can go.*Next duck comes up* If your name is quack quack quack im going to throw you in jail.

Then the duck says "No, my name is bubbles"

~~

 

Why do seaguls fly over the sea?

Cuz if they flew over the bay they would be bagels

(stupid yes i know)

~~

 

 

~~~

 

a guy walks into a bar w/ a steering wheel on is crotch. the bartender asks, "what is that?" he says, "it's drivin me nuts!"

~~

 

One day I saw a guy walking funny, so I asked him " did you go to confesion"

~~

 

So this badars hunter is ranting at a bar about how he can tell any pelt(animal skin) and what it was shot w/ just by touching it.

 

So people at the bar in disbelief test his skills by blindfolding him and bringing him some pelts.

 

So the first one comes up and he says"Rabbit, shot w/ a .22", everybody is stunned b/c hes right. So they get him another. Next pelt, he says"Bear, shot w/ a .45" . Everyone is Oooing and Awing, and they buy him some beers. So this continues up till the early morning, and he gets pretty wasted b/c everyone was buying him drinks. So he stumbles on home to his wife.

 

The next day he wakes up w/ a black eye, and is pretty sure he didn't get into a fight so he asks his wife if she knew what happened. She says"You came into bed and said' Skunk, killed w/ a axe"

~~

 

No hate intended if any offend you somehow...just some jokes

Edited April 10, 2004 by Xterminator

[Xterminator]

try to avoid the michael jackson and kids jokes. Not that i like that guy it's just inappropriate with the punch lines

[Silver-Bullet]

Ok, not hate please....and you brokea rule! you gotta post jokes!

 

~~

(this is not racist, you use the nations for the joke)

A american, african, and russian are in a hot air ballon. They have a stick, rock and a bomb. They fly over Russia and the russian says "This is my homeplace," and he throws down the stick. When they land, a little boy is crying. They ask "Why are you crying?" He says "A stick fell out of the sky and hit my head."

They go back up and fly over Africa. The african says "This is my homeplace." And he throws the rock down. When they land, a little girl is crying. They ask "Why are you crying?" She says that a rock fell out of the sky and hit her on the head.

They fly over America and the american says "This is my homeplace." He throws the bomb over. When they land, they are at a drive in movie. There is a man on a car, laughing. Behind him is where the bomb exploded. They ask. "Why are you laughing?" the man says "I farted and the guy behind me blew up."

[Playaa]

MATURE JOKES (feel free to remove em X)

A certain college professor was notorious for getting

off the lecture topic and on to his favorite subject;

the evils of marijuana. Off he went one day into his

inventory of horrors about marijuana.

 

"Used regularly, pot can cause psychic disorientation,

sterility, cancer and castration!"

 

"Now wait a minute, Professor," interrupted a student.

"Castration?!"

 

"You bet son," replied the professor smugly. "Just

suppose your girlfriend uses marijuana, you're having

sex, and she gets the munchies?"

 

Three women a blonde a brunette and redhead are in a

gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball,

suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing

but a bag over

his head and passes the three women.

 

He passes the redhead first, who looks down at his

penis. "He's not my husband," she says.

 

He passes by the brunette next, who also looks down at

his penis. "He's not my husband either." She says, also

not recognizing the unit.

 

He passes by the blonde, who also looks down as he runs

by her. "Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a

member of this club."

[appalachian_fox]

An Irish guy walks out of a bar...

 

Hey, it could happen!

 

-----------------------------

 

An Scottish man walks into a bar one Friday, sits down and orders three drinks. The bartender says, "Can I pour them one at a time for you?" The man gruffly replies, "Nope, give me all three at the same time." The bartender pours him three drinks and he takes a slug out of each one in turn. He orders another round, same thing, drinks each one in turn. This goes on every Friday, and the bartender asks him, "Why do you always get three drinks when you come in here?" The man says, "Well, my two brothers and I moved to different parts of the world. We all used to go out to a local pub and drink together, so we agreed to go to a local bar wherever we were every friday and have three drinks at a time to remember the good ol' days." The bartender says, "that's real darn nice, I'm glad you guys keep thinking about each other."

 

A few weeks later, the man comes in and is offered three beers, as usual. He says, "No, just two tonight." The regulars in the bar quiet down, and the bartender pours him two drinks and gives him his distance. When the man orders the second round, the bartender says, "It's on the house. Sorry to hear about your loss." The man says, "My loss? Oh, no! Nobody died, I just quit drinking."

[All Kill3r]

A man goes to his physician and is shocked to find that he has been replaced by a super-computer. The computer asks him his ailments and the man says he has a sore elbow. A drawer pops out and he is asked to urinate in it. After a few bleeps and flashing lights the computer decides he has tennis elbow.

The man is annoyed and decides to get one over on this machine so he asks his wife for a urine sample. He then mixes this with urine from his dog and his small son and to top it off, adds some of his sperm. He takes it to the computer-physician who again asks him for a sample. He places the urine/sperm sample in the drawer and the computer makes its usual display of bleeps and flashes before telling him that his wife is pregnant, his dog has rabies, his son has chicken pox and if he doesn't stop masturbating he'll never get rid of his tennis elbow.

[All Kill3r]

Sidney was a 14-year-old boy with an interest in the sciences. One summer day he started his own investigations. With his 12-year-old sister Sophie in tow, he caught a large bull frog in a local pond. Sidney started his experiment with the amphibian, and told Sophie her job was to write down the results of the experiment.

 

Sidney drew a line in the sand, placed the frog on the line, and prodded the frog with a small twig from the rear and shouted, "Jump, frog!" The frog jumped, and Sidney measured the distance. "12 feet...write that down, Sophie," he said.

 

Next, he brought the frog back to the starting point and removed the frog's right front leg. Again he prodded the frog and shouted, "Jump, frog!" The frog jumped 10 feet, and on instruction, Sophie wrote it down.

 

Again the frog was brought back, the left front leg was removed, and again "Jump, frog!" Sidney reported, "Six feet...write it down."

 

The next time, Sidney removed the large right back leg. "Jump, frog!" Then, he shouted "Jump, frog!" and prodded the frog. "The frog jumped 8 inches...write it down, Sophie."

 

Finally, Sidney removed the frog's remaining back left leg, put it down and prodded the frog with the twig shouting, "Jump, frog! Jump, frog! JUMP FROG!! JUMP JUMP FROG!!!"

 

The frog didn't jump. Sophie looked at Sidney, and said, "So what should I write down?"

 

Sidney thought a moment, then told Sophie to write, "When you remove all the legs from a frog, it turns deaf."

[Xterminator]

hah good one killer

 

here's a joke

 

"A Dyslexic walks into a bra"

[All Kill3r]

A guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?" The bartender says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"

 

Bush says, "We're planning WWIII. And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

 

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one bicycle repairman."

 

The guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman!!! Why kill a bicycle repairman?"

 

Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, dummy! I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"

[Xterminator]

Q: Why does Osama always carry a piece of poop in his pocket?

A: It's his photo ID

 

Q: What do Bin Laden and Hiroshima have in common?

A: Nothing... yet.

 

Q: How do you play Taliban bingo?

A: B-52... F-16... B-1...

 

Q: What is the Taliban's national bird?

A: Duck

 

Q: How is Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone?

A: Both look out their windows and see Rubble.

 

Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?

A: So they can see their Air Force.

 

Q: What does Osama Bin Laden and General Custer have in common?

A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!

 

Q: What's the five day forecast for Afghanistan?

A: Two days.

 

Q: Why doesn't the Taliban have drivers ed and sex ed classes on the same day?

A: Because the camels can't handle it.

 

Q: What's the difference between Christmas and Afghanistan?

A: In December, Christmas will still be here.

[Jiffy]

hahaahahah to all 3, good ones.

 

tidy up atleast, rofl.

[bullet-401]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

 

========================================

 

 

 

:chicken:

------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To get to the other side.

[Xterminator]

Actual conversations between Aircraft and Flight Controllers.

 

Pilot: "Albuquerque Center, this is United 372. I have an engine that

 

just went out and I need to land. No panic, but I need a runway that's close to my present location."

 

Tower: "United 372, this is Albuquerque Center. You are cleared to land at [Name of town I have never heard of] Airport immediately."

 

Pilot: (Who had obviously never heard of town either) "Hey, I'm not talking some cropduster airport here, Albuquerque Center."

 

Tower: "United 372, that runway is 6,700 feet long. Is THAT going to be enough for you, or do you want me to send someone up to help you land?"

 

============================================================

 

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

 

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

 

============================================================

 

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

 

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

 

============================================================

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"

 

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

 

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

============================================================

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

 

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

 

============================================================

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

 

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

============================================================

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

 

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

 

============================================================

 

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing

because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air

Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a

B-52 that had one engine shut down.

 

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

 

============================================================

 

Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and

returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A

concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the

problem?"

 

 

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained

the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

 

============================================================

 

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the

following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance

time?"

 

 

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in

Germany. Why must I speak English?"

 

 

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):

"Because you lost the bloody war."

 

============================================================

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency

124.7"

 

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,

after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of

the runway."

 

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact

Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern

702?"

 

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes,

we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

=========================================================

 

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short

of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out,

turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted

comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little

plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

 

 

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a

real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours

and I'll have enough parts for another one."

============================================================

 

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a

short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking

location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it

was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following

exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747,call

sign Speedbird 206.

 

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

 

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled

onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

 

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

 

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

 

 

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not

been to Frankfurt before?"

 

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I

didn't land."

============================================================

 

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight

departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose

with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the

US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I

told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta!

Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference

between C and D, but get it right!"

 

 

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting

hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever

to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you

to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour

and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how

I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

 

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

 

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly

silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance

engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.

Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running

high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his

microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[All Kill3r]

Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.

Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick.

Byte - What your pitbull done to cousin Jethro.

Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.

Terminal - Time to call the undertaker.

Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.

Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.

Diskette - Female Disco dancer.

Fax - What you lie about to the IRS.

Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.

Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.

Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.

Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.

Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food.

Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers.

Modem - What you do when the grass gets too high.

Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.

Network - Scooping up a big fish before it breaks the line.

ROM - Where the pope lives.

Screen - Keeps mosquitoes off the porch.

Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.

Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.

SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) - What you call your week-old underwear.

[All Kill3r]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says,

"OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person...

because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little f***** on your knee!"

[appalachian_fox]

A three-legged dog walks into the bar, goes up to the bartender and says, "Have you seen the man who shot my paw?"

 

(Say it out loud with Old Western accent)

[Xterminator]

Psychiatric Hotline

 

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

 

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

 

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

 

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

 

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

 

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

 

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

 

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

 

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

 

If you are anal-retentive, please hold.

Edited June 8, 2004 by Xterminator

[Xterminator]

If Operating Systems were Airlines

 

DOS AIR

All the passengers go out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push it until it gets in the air, hop on, jump off when it hits the ground again. Then they grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop on, etcetera.

 

WINDOWS '95 AIRLINES

The terminal is very neat and clean, the attendants are all very attractive and the pilots very capable. The fleet is immense. After your plane is 6 months late, you begin to wonder why it has not arrived yet. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushing above the clouds, and at 20,000 feet it crashes without warning.

 

MAC AIRWAYS

The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the same, feel the same and act the same. When asked questions about the flight they reply that you don't want to know, don't need to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.

 

OS/2 SKYWAYS

The terminal is almost empty, with only a few prospective passengers milling about. Airline personnel walk around, apologising profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside the terminal on the field. They tell each passenger how good the real flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but that they will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems.

 

FLY WINDOWS NT

All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac, placing the chairs in the outline of a plane. They all sit down, flap their arms and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.

 

WINGS of OS/400

The airline has bought ancient DC-3s, arguably the best and safest planes that ever flew and painted "747" on their tails to make them look as if they are fast. The flight attendants, of course, attend to your every need, though the drinks cost $15 a pop. Stupid questions cost $230 per hour, unless you have SupportLine, which requires a first class ticket and membership in the frequent flyer club.

 

MVS AIRLINES

The passengers all gather in the hanger, watching hundreds of technicians check the flight systems on this immense, luxury aircraft. This plane has at least 10 engines and seats over 1,000 passengers. All the passengers scramble aboard, as do the necessary complement of 200 technicians. The pilot takes his place up in the glass cockpit. He guns the engines, only to realise that the plane is too big to get through the hangar doors!

 

UNIX EXPRESS

Each passenger brings a piece of the airplane and a box of tools to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they want to build and how to put it together. Eventually, they build several different aircraft, but give them all the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations. All passengers believe they got there.

[All Kill3r]

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman.

He could never find the item the customer wanted.

Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John

that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John

for their best cough syrup.

Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup.

Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax

and told him to take it all at once.

The customer did as John said and then walked outside

and leaned against a lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over

to ask John what had transpired.

"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup.

I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once,"

John explained.

"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.

"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.

"Look at him. He's afraid to cough."

 

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

[Xterminator]

Ironic Comedy

 

FELIX POWELL- Music Composer

 

Story: Powell, then a British staff sargeant, wrote the music for "Pack Up Your Troubles In Your Old Kit Bag and Smile, Smile, Smile" in 1915 and entered it in a WWI competition for the best morale building song. The song won first prize and has been called "perhaps the most optimistic song ever written."

 

Final Irony: Powell committed suicide in 1942.

 

 

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NIC MARCURA - A Yugoslavian farmer

 

Story: Sensing that his end was near, Marcura set to work digging his own grave.

 

Final Irony: According to news reports, "in a sudden cloudburst, water began to fill up the hole. Marcura tried to bail it out with a bucket, slipped in, and drowned."

 

 

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BOBBY LEACH - A professional daredevil

 

Story: In 1911, Leach, who made his living risking his life, went over Niagra Falls in a barrel. He survived the attempt.

 

Final Irony: Fifteen years later, in 1926, Leach slipped on an orange peel...and died from injuries sustained in the fall.

 

 

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JOHANN UNDERWALD - A Swiss mathematician

 

Story: Underwald, one of the brightest stars in his field, was described by his peers as "the next Albert Einstein."

 

Final Irony: Underwald died in October 1999. Cause of dead: Mathematical error; Underwald "made a 250-foot bungee jump with a 300-foot bungee cord, and died immediately on impact."

 

 

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ALAN BARKLEY - Former U.S vice president

 

Story: On April 30, 1956, Barkley delivered a speech at a mock political convention at Washington and Lee University.

 

Final Irony: Moments after declaring to his audience, "I would rather sit at the feet of the lord, then dwell in the house of the mighty," Barkely keeled over and died.

 

and 1 more quickie....

 

*** "A Swedish man sliding down a a ski run in California, crashed into a lift tower and died. He was sliding on a makeshift sled of yellow foam. The lift towers are meant to be cushioned by this foam, and the tower he hit was the one from which he had stolen the foam to make his sled."

Edited June 9, 2004 by Xterminator

[Jiffy]

i want to laugh, but feel bad, but, wow is it ironic.