Mitch Hedburg

[Unclean]

The late Mitch Hedburg is my favorite comedian. Here are some lines from his acts:

 

This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to hard.

 

 

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

 

 

I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.

 

At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick."

 

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... It's dirty.

 

 

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend? Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D". For Donut.

 

 

My friend was walking down the street and he said, "I hear music." As if there is any other way of taking it in. I tried to taste it, but it did not work.

 

A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.

 

Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "...Here's a picture of me when I'm older." Where'd you get that camera man?

 

 

If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for... That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.

 

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide..."

 

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get ahold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "what" and turn my head slightly...

 

 

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. D*mn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. D*mn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right.

 

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

 

 

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.

 

 

That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."

 

 

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptible...

 

I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is

sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over

tortilla chips...

 

 

Every time I go and shave, I assume there is somebody else on the planet shaving as well, so I say, "I'm gonna go shave too."

 

 

I had a velco wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.

 

 

Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

 

 

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter, but I don't want them too. I'm like, "Hey... Hold on fellows... Let me hold one of you, and feed you a leaf." Koala bears are so cute, why do they have to be so far away from me. We need to ship a few over, so I can hold one, and pat it on its head.

 

 

I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos. These fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of something, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on, better flip that frito, dad, you know how I like mine.

 

 

I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.

 

 

You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it "Mitch", and then re-attached it, and call it "Mitch-all-together".

 

 

...and then at the end of the letter I like to write "P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

 

 

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

[bear^]

mitch was fricken hilarious

 

sad to see him go

 

soooooo funny

 

go buy his cd( s )

 

or download, but i think that will make u go straight to hell...

 

lol

[bushwack]

Thanks for the funny, Unclean. Good stuff.

Don't think I've heard of him before, guess he's famous now.

[Ak2786]

Dane Cook > Mitch Headburg

[Black`Ice]

Dane Cook > Mitch Headburg

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

Lies. Pure Lies.

[Acid-Flux]

did mitch "pass on" around December? or am I thinking of a diff comedian

 

is his corpse still telling jokes?

[Unclean]

did mitch "pass on" around December? or am I thinking of a diff comedian

 

is his corpse still telling jokes?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

The first line from my first post in this thread (emphasis added):

The late Mitch Hedburg is my favorite comedian.

 

So yes, he has passed. This was a major bummer for the world -- we need more alternative thinkers like him.

[Decoy]

This is my all together favorite mitch hedberg quote::::::

 

"In England Smoky the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smacky the Frog. It's just like a bear, but it's a frog. I think it's a better system, I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought 'man, I'd better play dead. Here comes that frog...' You never say here comes that frog in a nervous manner. It's always optimistic. Hey here comes that frog, al-right. Maybe he'll come near me so I can pet him, and stick him in a mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate what he's used to. And I'm pretty sure I'd have to punch some holes in the lid, because he's d*mn sure used to air. Then I can observe him, and he won't be doing much in his 16 ounce world."

Edited August 8, 2005 by xxDecoy

[san`]

he died around late march/early april, i remember thinking it was an april fools prank.

[GOrnE]

mitch was and still is my favorite stand up.. if you guys like mitch you should look up stephen wright

 

some stephen wright quotes as well

 

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.

# What's another word for "thesaurus"?

# When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

# When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child . . . eventually.

# I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

# For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

# I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a guy in France who said, "Cut it out!"

# I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

# I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."

# I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."

# I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

# I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today." I said "Oops . . ."

# I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

# I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

# My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.

# I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.

# I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.

# I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

# I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

# I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.

# I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

# Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

[Unclean]

Actually, Steven Wright is my SECOND favorite comedian. Thanks for posting those!

 

(also, in the humidifier/dehumidifier one, he continues to say "then I put wax in the humidifier, and now the room's all shiny.")

[TheReverend(c)]

Yea I loved Mitch too. Good comics like Mitch and Sam Kinison die young and fast. While Gilbert Godfrey will live FOREVER!!!. LOL