GOrnE

One Day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived, and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight that she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach the step. Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reaches back and unzipps her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reaches back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step. So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reaches back and unzips her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifts up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step. So, seeing how embarrased the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turns around furiously and says, “How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!� Shocked, the man says, “Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends.� Did u post that one too jackie? hmm?!??! <--- too lazy to search

oh.. well i see how it is then.. =P

Two moose hunters from Texas are flown into a remote lake in Alaska. They have a good hunt, and get a large moose each. When the plane returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, "This little plane wont lift all of us, the equipment and both of those animals - you'll have to leave one. We'd never make it over the trees to take off." "Thats baloney," says one of the hunters. "Yeah," the other one agrees, "you're just chicken... we came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had guts. HE wasnt afraid to take off." The pilot gets angry and says "Hell! If he did it, then I can do it! I can fly as well as anybody!" They load up, taxi at full throttle and the plane almost makes it, but doesn't have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It clips the tops of the trees, flips, then breaks up, scattering the baggage, animal carcasses and passengers all through the brush. Still alive, but hurt and dazed, the pilot sits up, shakes his head to clear it and says, "Where are we?" One of the hunters rolls out from under a bush, looks around and says, "I'd say... about a hundred yards further than last year!"

hehe.. i got a chuckle out of that one

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Calgary from the East Coast: Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Calgaryians) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event: Chili # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili) Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. Chili # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili) Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. Chili # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili) Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer! Chili # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic) Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. ***** is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? Chili # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover) Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really tinklees me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks. Chili # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety) Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge #3-- I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that barmaid Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone. Chili # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili) Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. Chili # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili) Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.?

lmao congrats on the boy

hopefully ill show up next year then its game over :-D

did not even know that probably didn't need to know that.. but now i do .. GoCI ftw

n00bs 1020

mobil 1 syn is all my baby gets

LMAO he might need some good anesthetic after his wife is done with him

A farmer is sitting in the village pub getting wasted. A man comes in and asks the farmer, 'Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?' Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain.' Man: 'So what happened that is so horrible?' Farmer: 'Well, if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over' Man: 'That's not so bad, what's the big deal?' Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain. ' Man: 'So then what happened?' Farmer: 'I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over. ' Man: 'Again? So what did you do then?' Farmer: 'I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. ' Man: 'And then what.' Farmer: 'I sat back down and continued to milk her and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.' Man: 'Wow, you must have been pretty upset.' Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain.' Man: 'So then what did you do?' Farmer: 'Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.'

LMAO oh gosh.. u caught me offguard.. u only get one of those =P

happy bday!

happy bday d00d

thanks alot guys... and actually anon.. i am heading up to canada this weekend and don't worry guys.. joke are coming a plenty, just keep checkin the joke section

happy bday guys

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them", the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100." "That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. "Well," the man replies, "She was here, and you could have."

With a name like rennen.. im not surprised one bit Got any engine work done on her? My friend got a new m3 last year.. i hate him so.. Now ur on my list too =P

Yep.. nothing beats the feeling u get when u look down at ur new hu So I'm guessing ur going with w7's right? What kinda amp u planning to use? And what car do u have? Yah.. i have 2 12" infinity kappa perfects, in a 30hz ported box with a hifonics brutus amp, and a car lined with dynamat Not the best of the best mind u.. but i've set off some car alarms Haven't gotten it in my stang yet.. but idk if i wanna go the audio route with this one Oh.. have u ever heard the adire brahmas? my friend has a set.. and those are just ridiculous If your ears aren't bleeding, you're just not bumpin

Bat + Dumb kid's head = sweet sweet satisfaction and don't act like none of you weren't thinking the same thing

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

ahem...

Oh yeah...comeback from death for a zinger! I'll own you with a coloured soapbox and a one button rat! <3 ... u still shoot like a blind grandma

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