So, I figured I'd write out my feelings today, about a fear and selfishness I've had for the last few years.
Here's the story:
My grandfather is 93, 13 years ago my grandmother passed, and he carried on. Farming & Riding his motorcycle. In his late 80's maybe 88-89 they didn't let him farm anymore at my Uncle's Farm. Age/eyesight, but he carried on, still had his motorcycle. Then at 91, he went for one last ride and gave his bike away. 2 years later, he's become so fragile, barely able to walk, but refuses to use a cane or walker, he eats breakfast at McDonald's every morning, comes home watches T.V. and sleeps, at noon he goes does to the Rest home and has lunch, then for dinner he goes over to my Uncles house. For the last year, I've jokingly said when you turn 100 you get a letter from the president, he'd say "Oh I don't want to live that long, hopefully not much longer."
I use to pray to God that he would be around to see me have a baby, i don't know why, I just wanted my baby to meet at least one of my grandparents. He's the last one I have. I feel I have been so selfish, because I don't want him to die, and I know that's all he wants. So I fear God keeps him around because so many of us want him here, even though I know he just wants his ticket to Heaven to be with my grandma, and ride his motorcycle with Jesus.
I just got off the phone w/ him a few minutes ago and said I'll see you in 2 weeks and he said "I might be here, we'll see". It breaks my heart, because I know all he wants is to go home. Is it selfish that I don't want him to go, I told God it was okay, but honestly I don't want him to go, I like having him here, but I know in my heart of hearts he wants to go.
I'm not looking for anything specific just wanted to put my hearts feelings out there.