The woes of dating.

[Tyranus]

The most horrifying topic to ever write about is dating. So what if I exaggerate a little. Dating is work. When I was younger it was exciting and fun. This possible could be the problem. Maybe I just have not met anyone that’s fun or excites me anymore. The thing is that ever since I can remember I have been the most romantic person I know. I used to sit in Home Economics class next to Brandi Lingo. The blond girl in our class that seemed to have everything going for her. She dated the butt hole son of the wrestling coach Brian ward. I would sit there and stare at her then go into a coma thinking about how they would be on a picnic out behind the baseball and football field. He would try and get fresh with her and I would happen to be walking by and kick his butt. Then of course she would fall in love with me. Problem was that was the dream world I lived in. Do not get me wrong that guy was in there somewhere he was just underdeveloped. It would have probably went more like this at the time. Me saying “hey man knock it off†then standing there while he beat the crap out of me. I have always took high interest in the girls I was infatuated with. I would silently learn everything about them. It wasn’t in a stalker kind of way. It was more of a found it fascinating kind of way. I would learn what they like to order when we all go out to Taco bell or Wendy’s. The problem I have found with this side of me is that it was rare that I would get a chance to let it out in a healthy manor. I would say one time in my 30 years have I had a chance to be free with who I was without any walls. Her name was Aimee. I say was not because she is dead but because I really do not know anything about her anymore. I met her in my second attempt at Bible College. She was that girl all the guys were talking about. “Have you seen the new Red head?†one guy said. I had not yet seen her. Then immediately she came walking up the side walk. I thought she was pretty. I thought she was kind of skinny at first. This was the kind of girl that I would see and think to myself “like this girl would ever notice youâ€Â. The next day she grabbed my hand in my buddies apartment and the rest was history burned in the back of my mind until I have another erase it. At least I hope for that. We would go up to the hill and dance to the music my Jeep would play with its top down. Roll in the tall grass and kiss. On one occasion we were both late for practice. I had basketball and she had dance. We both walked into the gym. One of the girls quickly ran over and started pulling the grass out of her hair so that no one would see. The guys gave me thumbs up and high fives. I would say she was my first and only love. Some say those memories never go away. I hope they are wrong. Like all great relationships there comes an end or a new chapter. Mine came to an end. I was the cause of this end. I was 23 and she was 18. She was more mature than I was. I was confused about feelings I had for another friend and was dumb enough to be honest about them. It just so happened that friend ended up her roommate. After the break up I was devastated. I disappeared for 3 days and drank in a hotel room. Weird thing is it turned out to be the same hotel room that Cho kid from Virginia Tech stayed in before the massacre. Maybe someone should burn that horrible place to the ground if they have not already. I think I had another shot at Aimee after the war. For some reason I was blind to it. I was still struggling with liking the same girl and was dumb enough the second time to talk about it to her. She tried to tell me what I should do in a very blunt manor. I was not in a mental state after freshly returning from war to be told anything. I yelled at her over the phone and sent her a very unforgiving email. We have not spoken since. Some days it bothers me and some it makes me realize what a great person she is and that by doing what she did helped me realize some personal things about myself. As I write this she is engaged and to no one’s amazement I am not invited. I wish her the best she’s a great woman and deserves a great man. Since then ,which was seven years ago, I have dated 2 people that have lasted more than 2 dates and 4 people that were like one or 2 dates. One of them I liked enough for the break off to hurt my feelings. Dating seems so dumb sometimes. You both come to the table with all these walls and scars to see if your scars actually match theirs’. In my recent experience it never ends good. I wonder sometimes if it is me. One girl wanted me to not tell anyone what we do or talk to any of our mutual friends about it. Then freaked out when I did. It is not like we are on a treasure hunt darling get over it. This most recent one acted like she was having a good time then pulled the “I am extremely tired can we get lunch tomorrow?â€Â. Then actually answered the phone when I was supposed to call and told me she wasn’t getting out of bed. I extended her that option, but still I thought it was kind of rude. Lots of people say I am trying too hard and it will happen when you least expect it. I had 5 dates in seven years is trying to hard then the wait in my opinion is not worth it. To set the record straight other than the fact that I believe God has a plan for my life at 30 I am pretty used to being alone. I wonder if those people have ever known what it is like as a man to not be needed or wanted for 7 years. It starts to mess with your core. I am tired at this point and want to just continue what I have been doing the last 4 months. I have focusing a lot on me. Getting my bills strait, getting my health strait, and getting my house in order. Focusing on the Lord a little more than I have been. You know priorities. I have found a lot of joy in this. I fear and know I shouldn’t that I have missed out on my passionate years. I have so much to give and no one to unleash it on. Writing it out on paper is about all I have.

[Clueless]

Hey man, it takes a lot of guts to spill all this out here and I admire you for that. The past is the past, makes us who we are and hopefully makes us wiser. I know what its like to be content alone, I had gotten to that point, and it was really more than content, I liked it. Then it just happened for me, I met a great girl and next thing you know I am packing up and moving from Ohio to New Orleans, lol. But the point is...I think you are in a better place than you think...once you are content being alone, youre mind gets more calm, you are more comfortable with yourself, and in my experience, better prepared to handle things that come your way. I think that when you look too hard, you blind yourself by all the "criteria" and all the other crap, because you have a vision of what you want, and real people rarely match those visions. But when you are content with yourself, and not "looking" you are able to see so much more clearly when someone great crosses your path.

[Tyranus]

The longer I go i grow more and more content. Thats whats scary.

[Clueless]

The longer I go i grow more and more content. Thats whats scary.

Nah..shouldnt be scary...you'll see what I mean one day.

[shaftiel]

Just to let you know i admire you for your honesty. That being said, I have been married for 12 years now, and the longer I go the more I want to be alone heh . Don't worry to much about it, the more you think about it and try to force it less likly it will happen for you. Just keep up with what you are doing, getting your life in order and getting comfortable in your own skin. Once you accept the past, once you are comfortable with yourself and happy with where you are, you will find that it will come pretty easily.

 

 

 

 

Shaftiel

 

 

 

P.S. Don't get me wrong, I love my wife, but what I wouldn't give for a week or two alone without her or my children heh . The quiet would be deafening I'm sure.

[ZesteR]

All those things you are doing with your life now... is something, of course, great for you! But in a dating aspect, it's very good to be straight with yourself, live on your own, able to be independent.

 

I find it much easier to find someone when you are happy with just yourself. The other person will see that when you are dating. They will see you are not "desperate" for someone else.

 

Good for you man, for what you are doing to better yourself.

 

From personal experience, I find my g/f's independence a characteristic that I could not live without. She can take care of herself, so I don't have to worry about every little thing with her.

[anonymo]

The longer I go i grow more and more content. Thats whats scary.

It is scary...I'm in the same boat.

 

I had a very similar situation. Had been with a girl through the end of high school (about 3 years). Being a complete moron I broke up with her to focus on getting into University. We were in a long distance relationship and long phone conversations were not only killing me, but my grades too. I was young and stupid and really didn't realize how special our relationship was until I ended it. It broke her heart, from what I can tell. It really didn't phase me much until a year or so later that I started to realize I couldn't find anyone like her, anywhere. I even had my second chance right before I graduated. I blew that as well, then I continued my stupidity and moved back to Toronto from Montreal because she was going to the University of Toronto and I thought we could finally have the normal relationship we used to dream about. Turns out she decided to never give me another chance a long time ago for breaking her heart (just like you, she was a few years younger than I, but decades more mature). It took me nearly three years of misery and stress (I left job prospects at Ubisoft and other studios in Montreal for her) to finally come to terms with what I had done. Sure I have the occasional sleepless night thinking back about all the memories, but I am much better now then I was a year or so ago.

 

I'm now in my 9th year of being completely alone. I have never talked to anyone about it seriously and you could say I have a wine cellar of bottled up emotions in me. I think my biggest problem is that whenever I try to open up to someone they never understand or they try to impose their own experiences on mine.

 

My best piece of advice, if you will accept it, is to try and come to terms with your position and accept it. The sooner you accept the fact that you could be alone for the rest of your life the better off you will be mentally (or maybe this just goes for me).

 

Ok, so basically...I'm happy to be alone now, which I credit mostly to the fact that most girls I meet and get to know these days I can't stand. The more realistically you look at your position the better you will feel about being alone. Try to rationalize it, at least for your sake (I suggest not talking about your rationalities to other people). Remember, you are an emotional animal, ruled by passion. You are blinded by your instincts for self preservation. Once you give them up or at least get them under control you should start feeling better.

 

Something that suddenly made me feel better about the whole situation was actually in "How I Met Your Mother" last night on TV. In the episode, the main characters all tell each other about the annoying habits of their significant others, which they never saw because they were "love blind" and in effect shattered their perceptions about their relationships. Forget all the good times and try to remember the flaws, the little things. I know it is hard but there are always little things that you might not particularly want to remember or never really thought about in the first place that might help you feel better about the situation.

 

Anyways, hold your head up high and focus on other things. Searching for a "soul mate" or even someone you could stand to spend the rest of your life with is a waste of time. Just concentrate on yourself for a while and you'll see the light at the end of the tunnel (make sure it's not headlights though..!).

[MrDuke]

...P.S. Don't get me wrong, I love my wife, but what I wouldn't give for a week or two alone without her or my children heh . The quiet would be deafening I'm sure.

 

Here's what I do: Save $500 and send the wife & kids (with another mom & kids) to the beach for the week during offseason rates.

Add in a couple, "I'll miss you" comments and you're money.

 

Quiet house, hours of PC time, grilled food, beer... a utopia. Right about the time you start feeling guilty, they show up. It's perfect; they're happy, you're happy... everybody's happy.

[dragonfly]

I think it's also important to remember that women are evil. Zech 5:7,8.

[Clueless]

I think it's also important to remember that women are evil. Zech 5:7,8.

True...I was taught at a young age to never trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesnt die.

[NOFX]

you know.. I've been through the good and bad with girls. In the end I am 100% content with being alone. It's alot easier and you don't have to constantly attempt to please someone else.

 

I have a girlfriend and here is my problem... She is constantly wanting me to act like I'm the guy that will shower her with love, hang pictures of her everywhere and write a poems about how much I love her. I like her and all, but I am who I am. I've always been sort of a loner, not in a sense that I can't handle social situations, but in the way I feel like I can handle situations much better if I'm by myself. There are many things in life I prefer to do alone.

 

Although I do remember at one point in my life a few years ago, I was very scared of being alone. The only family I have is two elderly grandparents and my 60+ year old father who is not in best of health. If something happened to my father, within a few years, I would have no family members left. Now that I have accepted this, it seems to carry alot less weight and I don't mind being by myself.

Edited February 27, 2008 by NOFX

[Tyranus]

I dont even want to date. I just had this thought that if i didnt put myself out there I would go 9 more years without meeting anyone. I could care less if I am alone. Hell I did 2 tours in Afghanistan alone I think ill make it through the easy part of life. I just dont want to get caught playing cs for the next 9 years when I could have been meeting people and maybe have a few good experiences. And NOFX I dont think women know what they want. I think if you were the way she wanted she would want something else. I see all these stupid profiles online. They say i would like a bad boy that knows how to treat a lady. Helloooooo bad boys are not gonna know how to treat a woman. Then they are like I want him to be rough but know how to be sensitive too. LMAO Women are crazy.

[Shazz]

I think it's also important to remember that women are evil. Zech 5:7,8.

True...I was taught at a young age to never trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesnt die.

 

Oh man!!! I about fell outta my chair.

[Rashad]

I admire you for discussing such an intimate topic, it takes a lot of courage. I'm in a somewhat similar situation. Been single for a good three years, only dated about three girls in that time. I try to do is to stay busy. I'm heavily involved in extra-curriculars at school, participate in volunteer activities, and I make it a point to do my best on my school work. I might find the right person one day, until then I just try to focused on other pressing issues.

[Tyranus]

I think something has changed in me. I dont want the pain of it anymore. Most probably went through this years ago. I was at a party last night. I saw a girl as a target. The first time in my life I didnt care about her feelings. I am not proud of this but I tried to get her drunk. She didnt need any help actually. I was not attracted to her that much. Its kinda hard to say this. I was just bored. I was tired of being the one on the recieveing end. We went for breakfast. She talked and talked. We made out when I went to drop her off. I tried to get upstairs without any luck. She made it clear it could happen at a latter time. Its sad i dont care if i see her again. Almost like I am putting people on a shelf now for use as my own entertainment. This is not who i am. However its how i am acting. is there a middle groud between not wanting to be used and doing the using. If so could someone write the formula down?

[shoot]

No such formula... We're not that smart or disciplined to balance all that.

 

You were doing fine, as a respectful and considerate person. Treat others as you would want to be treated = right thing to do.

 

I'm a bit older than you with 2 marriages under my belt (very happy with this marriage) and "too many to count" relationships. I had one of those "how many girls" talk with my buddies a few weeks ago, while drinking, and I lost count at 50some. I was always respectful to others until I started feeling bitter about how others mistreated me. Then exactly what's happening to you started... I was treating women like "just another for the board" and treated them like I never would have before. It's like a giant snowball effect and become more cruel as each woman passes. You feel guilty along the way - that's human nature - and come to a point where you don't recognize yourself anymore.

 

Don't walk that path. I'm glad you're asking these questions now, before you hurt someone that might feel bitter about relationships and pass on the "epidemic" to someone else. It seems like a bad relationship trickles down to the next relationship and ruin things, regardless of men or women. Be a better person and stop this "pass along" misery. I'm sure you'll do the right thing, as you've shown on this thread that you're a man of God. Ask him and he will answer to you what the right thing to do is (the funny thing is that, he basically has given us the ability to know what the right thing to do is... We just tend to ignore it - It's called conscience). Let's use it!

 

Good luck and we're all here for you - this goes to all of you on this thread.

Edited March 9, 2008 by shoot

[dragonfly]

Tyranus - This is something I do every single day, some days just more subtle than others. It keeps happening whenever I try to find my fulfillment as a person in something other than God (namely women). That's what is so attractive to so many guys about pornography - it's a quick fix, like a shot of adrenaline to your "masculinity", and it's so deceitful!!!

 

I have no formula for you, but I can promise you that God wants you to enjoy life, not just follow a set of rules. It's hard to get sometimes, but doing things that you feel like doing won't always bring you happiness. "If it feels right, do it" is such a dangerous piece of advice to listen to. Don't give up seeking after God, and He promises to reward you. With a girl? Who knows?

 

Dude, God has big plans and wants you to be a part of them. God is about building relationships, not tearing them down.

Edited March 10, 2008 by DarkArchon

[Tyranus]

Hey dark have you heard the song "Breath you in" by Thousand foot Krutch. Its on my myspace as the default song. Its how i have felt about this today. Its funny how a song can spreak so clearly sometimes. you probably know this being the music buff that you are. Im gonna put the lyrics in here.

 

"Breathe You In"

 

Taking hold, breaking in

The pressures on, need to circulate

Mesmerized and taken in

Moving slow, so it resonates

It's time to rest, not to sleep away

My thoughts alone, try to complicate

I'll do my best, to seek you out

And be myself, and not impersonate

 

[Chorus:]

I tried so hard to not walk away

And when things don't go my way

I'll still carry on and on just the same

I've always been strong

But can't make this happen

'Cause I need to breathe, I want to breathe you in

The fear of becoming

I'm so tired of running

'Cause I need to breathe, I want to breath you in

I want to breathe you in

 

I'm going in, so cover me

Your compass will, help me turn the page

The laughing stock, I'll never be

Because I won't let them take me

 

[Chorus]

 

Took awhile to see all the love that's around me

Through the highs and lows there's a truth that I've known

And it's you

 

I've always been strong

But can't make this happen

'Cause I need to breathe, I want to breathe you in

The fear of becoming

I'm so tired of running

'Cause I need to breathe, I want to breathe you in

I want to breathe you in

I want to breathe you in

I want to breathe you in

I want to, I want to

I want to breathe you in

I want to breathe you in

I want to breathe; I want to, I want to

Wanna breathe

I want to breathe you in

I want to breathe you in

I wanna breathe

 

 

 

I can really relate to this song these days. Feeling like your being laughed at because of who you are. Not who you decided to be, but who you really are. When things don't go my way I sometimes like to try and make them go my way. It doesn't work. It's the whole square peg in a round hole thing. Try as you may it's not going to fit. There are things in your life sometimes that you know should fit. You look at the peg and the hole and think to yourself "wow this was a match made in heaven. If it's not the right time it's not going to go. The more you push the more you disfigure what it was supposed to be. Take it from me all that causes is delay and heart ache.

 

here is a link to it the way is sung is just great you have to hear it for yourself.

 

www.myspace.com/vi_tyranus

[dragonfly]

I like that song. I hadn't heard it before, but I've heard lots of TFK and I think it's one of their best that I've heard so far. I also noticed that Barlow Girl - Never Alone is on your playlist - I love that song. Don't really like Barlow Girl at all, but they put out a couple good songs Great song by TFK though! Yeah, songs can definitely speak to you especially through the music.

 

Hang in there man! Completely contrary to our culture, nothing about character is done quickly. It takes a lot of time to build character, and sometimes the building REALLY sucks. God can see the other end of it though, even though we can't. I've been working through things myself, and have been trying to seek God through it all. Some days I want to give up because it seems like I'm getting nowhere. But then 4 months later you look back at where you were and you can see God's hand at work in your life. Seeking God is hard, and it takes time and energy, but it's SO worth it!

[dragonfly]

How's it going Tyranus?

[TheGeek]

Anonymo, I was in the same boat. I was content on being alone even though every Sunday my:

mother and father,

sister and husband,

brother and wife,

other brother and girlfriend,

and other sister and boyfriend would be over at the house and I would be the ONLY single there.

 

Something changed though. My friend offered to hook me up with a girl. I was thinking, "well, this could end disastrously." Met the girl and I fell for her.

 

I found out that even though I was content being single, there was a piece missing. I ALWAYS thought that having a girlfriend was a waste of time. Until I found the right fit.

 

What I'm trying to say ty, is that even though you may be content being single, life even gets better when you find the right girl. Just something to look forward to. It WILL come when you least expect it!

Edited March 23, 2008 by TheGeek

[shoot]

From the movie Into The Wild:

 

Paraphrased... "Happiness counts only when it's shared"

[Tyranus]

Update. Well Lots has happened since this post. I rejoined the military as a Chaplain Assistant. I met the woman of my dreams. We met 7 years ago and just started talking about two weeks after I wrote this. It was breath of fresh air at first. We talked about God and how we view him personally. I was floored by how much we had in common with this. We have been official since May 5th and have not missed one night praying together over the phone before bedtime. Its funny how when you get to your whits end and cry out to God he responds. Thank you all for your encouragement. http://s229.photobucket.com/albums/ee276/v...Shannyandme.jpg

Edited July 29, 2008 by Tyranus

[Preacher]

hey you photoshopped her in there cuz I saw that picture of you and that Jamaican midget before!