Guys night out

[gOOters]

Do you married guys get one? Are all your guy friends married? My night entails a couple of single buddies and my brother and one other married guy at a bar on Thursday night.

 

Wife just dropped the hammer and told me that she doesnt want me doing that anymore, find something different to do.

 

The tough thing is that I am young and most of my buddies are single...is wifey being reasonable?

[Xterminator]

tell you're wife she can't go to the salon or tanning anymore.

 

Of course she's not being reasonable. My thoughts are she's worried you might do something stupid at the bar, or some girl my try and pick you up. Marriage is based on trust, if she can't trust you to be out and behave yourself, she's got a problem. I'm not trying to be rude. That's just the way i see it.

Edited August 4, 2004 by Xterminator

[All Kill3r]

i don't know you well enough to make that call. Me, im single and love it after being in a 3 1/2 year relationship, live together for 2 1/2. I'd say im going to the bar, peace. But when things were going good back then, i would have stayed home.

 

You don't understand a woman X. They are very fragile...

 

Not all there in the head if you will, crazy sometimes. keep them happy = you happy. again i dont know you two, but i don't think its about trust.

[SwOOp]

I would have to say it depends Goot. Do you spend quality time with your wife? Do you still go out and do stuff together often; bars, dancing, things that are more than just going out to eat?

 

Trust is what any person would think to be the obvious reason, but I don't see it being that unless the person is very insecure, or has been given a reason to doubt.

 

Most times IMHO it is because the signifigant other thinks that there has not been enough time/effort spent with him/her.

[Trouble .gc]

maybe i can give you some advice?

invite her out with you (i know that it won't be a guys night out) but just so she can see what you are up to, and what you guys do on your 'guys' night out. maybe she doesn't want you to go cuz' she doesn't want to be left home alone...or suggest a girls night out for her... just a few suggestions...also...maybe ask her why she doesn't want you to go out? maybe there is a logical reason.

[Playaa]

I still gotta say you need to sit down with your wife and explain to her that she is the one and only for ya and that you are going to spend the rest of your life with her, but your friends only get you one day a week.

I have a friend who is dealing with the same issue with his wife...the ONLY way I can hang out with him is to go to his house and chill so that it's me and him and his wife. She's very possessive and it is NOT good for the relationship.

Have you thought about having "guys night" at your house playing video games, watching movies, drinking beers with your wife right there?

[Gond]

Playaa has a good suggestion.

 

As far as "dropping the hammer"...obviously your wife needs to learn how to deal with men. Saying you can't go out is all the more reason you will want to go out. And, always remember...understanding the other person is always a 2 way street.

 

From previous posts your wife doesn't have friends where you live now and that has got to be tough on her. You need to be considerate of that in your decisions. Imagine if you were the one stuck at home with nothing to do and she was out drinking with friends at a bar.

 

Talk to her...figure out why she feels this way...then determine how to change those feelings.

 

And, as a final resort...quit guys night out for a year or two...by then she will be so darn tired of you being around she will be begging you to get out of the house

[gOOters]

Ive invited her along. She has gone and agrees...its pretty lame heh.

 

Yeah PLayaa, feels so smothering.

 

As fot not going out for a year, I will be in grad school next year, bye bye fun.

 

swoop, you might have something there, but we do have 2 date nights a week. I might need to put more into them though.

 

BTW< she has just said she wants to get rid of our personal accounts and make one big account. ugh...

[Fatty]

Sounds like she's dining on you slowly instead of devouring you with one gulp.

 

What's the rationale? Does she trust you? I mean, do she trust you and you feel and understand that she trusts you?

[gOOters]

Sounds like she's dining on you slowly instead of devouring you with one gulp.

 

What's the rationale? Does she trust you? I mean, do she trust you and you feel and understand that she trusts you?

Well put on the slow meal.

 

Rationale is that Dr. Laura says so. Married guys should go play golf or softball instead. I'd like to do all of the above

 

Honestly, she says she doesnt like me getting hit on (which invariably happens). But I always flash my wedding ring and say cya...

[SwOOp]

As long as you say cya, heck, if I knew then what I know now, when I was single I would've worn a wedding ring anyways, it's a babe magnet.

[Fatty]

No, it's not as long as he can say cya, it's that the wife believes that he will say cya.

 

You're dealing with her insecurities. She's on this "once a player, always a player" mindset...so you have to go back to (ironically) playaa's point about her believing you through what you say and do.

 

Message Amy and bring this up with her. She can tell you all about it. She'll be at work tomorrow afternoon.

[MC_Ranger]

I'm going to post something up that I posted 5 months ago when you first breached this subject.

 

Riiigghhhhttt.

 

Okay, let me throw you a different point of view.

 

I've got a little bit of marriage experience, so this is all coming first hand.

 

Free time in a marriage for the man is a battle that is lost over a long period of time. Hopefully slowly, but in many cases, very rapidly.

 

I've always equated giving up free time with Patton's infamous policy about retreating. He had a firm belief that you should NEVER pay for the same ground twice. Anything you GIVE away now you will have to work DOUBLE hard to get back free and clear.

 

For example, you give up Thursday nights because you think you're being nice. Well, you're NOT being nice. I'll come back to this point.

 

After a couple months you re-institute Thursdays out with the fellas. Sounds fair, right? WRONG! Possession is 9/10 of the law. When you gave her Thursday nights you officially relinquished your ownership. When you attempt to re-establish your time out, you are now TAKING something away from her. That's an issue. That's a fight. That's drama. You may or may not get your Thursdays back, but everybody has already lost.

 

So, when you thought you were being nice, you were just creating a future argument.

 

The Ranger plan says to KEEP your Thursday nights. Even if you don't have any plans, you go SOMEWHERE. Do SOMETHING. Trust me, in 10 years you'll thank me. Heck, I would even add on another night. Say an "every other weekend" bowling league or something.

 

That gives you the leisure to give something up in the future that you don't care much about anyway. A perfect time for this type of "concession" is after children. You make the appropriate sacrifice looking like the hero while, in fact, it was just a 3-5 year plot to protect your free time.

 

You can't give up all your time before you even get started! You give up all your leverage.

 

But be careful of her counter moves. Some wives may be crafty, ANTICIPATE your actions and initiate a preemptive strike. SHE may start ridiculous, time consuming hobbies like SCRAP BOOKING. This type of behavior is a sure fire sign she's on to your game and you are going to have your hands full for the next, oh, 50 years or so.

 

Oh, and be EXTRA careful on Crowbar's "couples dilemna". This is irrefutable evidence that your wife is in ka-hoots with other wives. Couples night does NOT mean you and your buddies get a bunch of beers and watch the game while the wives are upstairs knitting and making snacks. Oh nooooo. Couples night means you will spent the better part of 5 hours playing games like Pictionary while your wife keeps a close eye on your alcohol intake and how many times you glanced at another wife's low cut blouse.

 

Make no mistake, she will try to replace your fun-loving single friends (read: dangerous!) with the soulless husbands that have long forgotten what it was like to think on their own. These are the same soulless husbands that gave up their Thursday nights when they got married.

 

Poor bastards.

[gOOters]

YOu are amazingly close to reality on that. I gave up some initial Thursdays because she nagged me until I did. And every time I go anymore it has been a terrible fight to go. And yes, I agree that once it is gone, it is hard to get it back.

 

And now Im thinking about giving up every other Thursday. The only ONE thing I asked for BEFORE we got married. She says that I can still have a day a week...she just doesnt want it to be that. So maybe I will give in. I keep trying to play it her way (although I am admittedly self centered and short sighted), but if I find myself completely and totally locked down in a couple of years, what then?

 

Anyhow you were prolly right MC.

[dwEEziL]

g00t, sounds to me like there are other issues and this is just a result/effect of them. You need to sit down and have a long, talk with her (as in both of you talking about what the root of the matter is). I suggest maybe getting some counseling. It can't hurt and it will help the both of you better understand 1) how each other feels and 2) why each other reacts they way they do.

[gOOters]

good stuff ^ we have considered counceling.

[SwOOp]

Every marriage and some point or another will benefit from and has needed counseling. My wife and I had counseling for a little while. And this id definitly a good idea (for the point in hand), because a counselor will say that there must be some personal time allowed in a marriage. Which helps strengthen your case. At this point the wife will most likely play the "I understand that, but I just don't want him to go to the bar or wherever". Then the counselor will ask her reasons for this. So then the response will either be from some insecurity she has, some reason from out in left field, a reason that she has to not trust you there, or she'll lie.

 

So if all goes correctly, since you have a proffessional in this field on your side, you will get your Thursdays, but your wife still won't like it. And you most likely will not be going back to that counselor anymore because he/she agrees with your night out. So your wife will either want to go to a different counselor (which is fine cause they all will admit that personal time is important) or she will give up on them completely because "they don't know what they are talking about, and she will try to find another method of attack to get your guy's night out away from you.

[ConGregation]

or maybe she will understand and support you.

[gOOters]

we are starting to get there I think. As long as I am laying it all out here (maybe the younger guys can take notes), she does NOT feel 100% secure in the marriage. She is 100% secure with me and 100% secure with herself. but in the marriage, I think I have not been making her feel secure.

 

I am going to make a huge effort (as it is tough for me) to be more expressive and more focused on us. As well as focused on making her feel loved. So far, I really have largly been just "going through the motions".

 

Hopefully, this will help the situation. I really am not cool with giving up my freedoms, but I think if she feels like I WANT to be married, not just like we ARE married and I am doing the minimum, things will be better.

 

We shall see, I have alot of work to do, as does she.

[SwOOp]

We went through that early in our marriage, my wife was really insecure, it took her about 5 years to feel secure about everything. So I am saying it's just a matter of time.

[dwEEziL]

One thing I got from a group counseling type setting that was really helpful (or would have been had my wife really wanted to try) was a discussion on several different ways of showing and receiving love. Ways such as "services", "affirmation", "gifts", etc. The tricky part is that often a person shows love in one method but best receives love in another. Such as I show love better by doing things (services) but I receive lover better by verbal affirmation. I wish I could remember the name of the study because I thought would be a great insight into each other.

 

We also took a personality test (can't remember which one) and it showed that we were on opposite sides which basically meant we reacted the same way to things but for entirely opposite reasons. That shocked me greatly and really help me to try to start understand how she thinks.

 

As it goes though, she wanted to do her own thing so we have been separated for a while with what looks like no hope or reconciliation (I have worked through the emotions, we have been separated for 2 years). But don't get discouraged man. Love rules all when both people go into it loving each other more than they love themselves.

[Casper]

There is alot of wisdom that has been mentioned already, and I think that it would be a little pointless for me to repeat, so...

 

Just remember that in a marrige there is there is "Me time" and "We time" and both are equally as important. So you and your new wife have to make that time.

 

I know how ya feel man, and I'm not going to get into my situation, but you are in a much better position to change that, than myself. I made the mistake of giving up too much too early in the game.

 

Good luck, and I know we all will be pulling for ya.

 

 

Casper

Edited August 6, 2004 by Casper

[gOOters]

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