Playaa needs help

[Playaa]

So here's the thing.

I'm a .Net programmer, have been for about 5 or 6 years now. I'm only 25 though. I program because it came naturally to me and I didn't have any ambitions in life back then (I still don't...to be honest the only ambition I have in life is to be comfortable and happy).

I don't fit in the corporate world, I hate meetings, I hate dressing in khaki's, I hate doing documentation, etc.

I don't have any original ideas, I am not an incredibly skilled person, I love to learn, but I don't like being taught.

I am the kind of person who wakes up in the morning, dreads going to work, heads in to work, pretends to work, goes home as soon as possible and spends every possible moment doing things I want to enjoy...it's like I force myself to do things that are "fun" just because I know that I have to get up for work tomorrow.

It's not just this job though, it's every job I've ever had in my life...including the one where I worked in an ice cream shop with 3 great friends...I hated going to work there too. It's as if I have a mental block that says "if my time isn't my own to control it must be a crappy time".

I have massive anxiety when it comes to dealing with life decisions though...MASSIVE. If I am not thinking about my future I am probably one of the happiest people in the world...but as soon as I start thinking about the future and what I "should" be doing....I hate my life.

When it comes to programming, I've never had a single coworker or manager complain that I didn't know what I was doing...but I cannot for the life of me pass interviews to get a job where I don't know someone (all 5 programming jobs I've ever had came from knowing someone that worked there) because I come across as if I don't know what I'm doing mainly because I ignore the technical side of programming. I just program simply and efficiently...but I don't know how many bytes an Integer takes, I don't follow the latest technologies and languages, I once failed a question in an interview when the interviewer asked me to "describe the Session". I couldn't do it...I know through and through what the Session is and have used it innumerable times...but I couldn't answer the question...almost because the question was too simple...(not that I can answer complex ones either).

 

My current job is actually a very nice job. It's easy, it's laid back (I can wear t-shirt and shorts to work), it's got nice people...but it's also a small company that is behind on technologies and the manager over me is so unstructured that it's hurting my productivity (I have recently spent 8 hours at work...and worked probably 20 minutes...and I've done that more often than I even want to admit to myself).

The thing about this job is that I know it's bad for my future career...but I'm not even sure if I want to be a programmer for the rest of my life because programming requires constant change...and I do not deal well with "change".

 

Just this morning I sabotaged a job opportunity with a very large company (Wizards of the Coast) because, deep down, I fear change...like moving to a different state, learning a new language, etc.

I actually enjoy my job right now...and oddly enough, the only reason I can see for leaving this job is because I feel like I need to care about leaving this job...does that make sense?

It's as if I know that the rest of the world would tell me I need to care more about my "career" (I hate that word) and since this job is probably bad for my future as a programmer (because this job is stagnant and programming requires change) I need to worry about getting another one.

so it's like I'm worrying about worrying...

 

what would you do? would you stay at the job that is perfectly acceptable, or would you worry about the future more?

Quite a few people have told me to just stop caring so much...I'm only 25 and I've got alot of life ahead of me that's going to change...

 

advice? keep looking for new jobs? stay where I am? (where I'm perfectly content FOR NOW) stop whining like a little baby? switch careers and go work in construction like in Office Space? find a rich 70-year old woman who needs some young man lovin to give her inheritance to?

 

I mean I am seriously the most under-achieving individual you have ever spoken with in your life...I have a friend who is a very skilled director and he recently told me if he ever makes it big in Hollywood I can mooch off him. He was saying it jokingly but deep down inside I really, truly hope he makes it just so I don't have to deal with the anxiety of caring about the future...

 

*emo tear*

[stutters]

stop buying those jimmy eat world cd's.

 

[MrDuke]

It's natural for people to fear change, almost everyone does.

Most tolerate change not because they want to, but because they have to (financial, new/dying relationships, etc).

You're fortunate you haven't had to deal with a major issue in life yet. You also aren't being foolish by thinking one won't ever slap you across the face... you just need a little motivational push. I can't help you on the motivation, that comes from within (or from an uppercut from life).

I would address the anxiety you are feeling with a medical pro, I don't think it's normal to be THAT apprehensive about change.

[Playaa]

I have dealt with life-slaps before...my dad just died a year ago rather abruptly at age 56...but other than that you're right, I've had a sheltered life.

 

here's a conundrum for you

the anxiety I feel about change and "important" things like going to the doctor and getting my anxiety checked out...can only be solved by something that I have so much anxiety about that I won't let myself do it.

it's a rather hilariously sad circumstance.

[Nick Soapdish]

 

i think u need to drink more, i guess it helps....sometimes hehe

[Preacher]

Were you "called" for something else and are ignoring it?

[shaftiel]

Make a list of the top 10 things you are afraid of doing, or are anxious about. Then write down the worst thing that could possibly happen if you did that activity. Then write down the best thing. You will find that, by and large, the good will far outweigh the bad. Plus actually engaging in a critical thinking exercise relating to your anxiety could help you overcome your issues. Or not heh .

 

 

 

 

Shaftiel

[TheGeek]

Find the joy in things. Thats what helps me in my dead end Target job. When I get eaten out by a customer, I find the joy in having more joy and patience than the person who just chewed me out.

[Windex]

you say you spend your time doing the things that are fun just because you know you have to work the next day.. i find myself in the same boat however change is one thing you have to deal with, otherwise you will always stay in the same place. i dread my job, i play CS at work because i have so much freetime etc. but my motivation and ability to change simply is this.. i want to better myself, if i did what i enjoyed for a living i know i wouldn't enjoy it.. so yes now i don't ever want to help someone with a computer problem again.. but if i chose level design for a living i wouldn't want to do it anymore. so pick something you can tolerate and work on improving.. the best thing you could do is work up to that management position (possibly go over his head) and help run the business right. you are in control over your life and it will take you where YOU want it too. i know i'm only 21 but i've gotten myself pretty far by doing these things!

[MrDuke]

Maybe we should consider this:

Who here is truly happy about their job? Who's willing to put in 10 hrs of OT because they love it, not because they have to? Urk?!?? Probably. Centerfold photographer? Probably.

 

Not too many others, I'm guessing.

 

I'd rather be playing CS, playing with the kids or playing chicken with a charging rhino than working.

[Preacher]

The key to contentment is not getting to do what you want but being happy with where you are. Taking the good and bad things of life as just elements of life.

[Unclean]

I think we're both at very similar points in our lives -- I support/maintain .NET applications, work for a Fortune 100 company, and I'm only about 2 years older than you. And I like what I do. Yeah, there are crappy parts to it. Sometimes I think how great it would be if I was a teacher, or artist, or magician. Totally different responsibilities. But I wouldn't have the same lifestyle, and I like this lifestyle.

 

So if things from work are getting me down, I look at it in one of two ways:

 

1. It could be way, way worse. You're not a janitor at an adult movie theater. You're not brushing maggots off a sandwich you dug out of the dumpster. You're not in a third world country watching your family die of starvation. Any of those people would do ANYTHING to have your life. The grass may SEEM greener on the other side, but for us, the grass is plenty green where we're at.

 

2. Look for the entertaining parts of your job. I bet there are a ton of them. Just a few weeks ago, I installed a patch on the server that broke it even more. So the vendor sent out another patch. I got a patch patch. Can you imagine what that'd be like in the bandage industry?

Product complaint department: "What's that? Your band-aid has a tear in it? Well, I'll ship a smaller band-aid out to you right away!" Can you think of anything like that in your job? Like following the tips on this site?

 

I hope this helps!

[Windex]

LoL unclean, i love it..

[anonymo]

Sounds oddly familiar.

 

I often take a few moments to ponder whether I am going to be able keep working this job for the rest of my life as I somewhat enjoy it and it provides me with the lifestyle I enjoy but at the same time it's work, it's not CS and that sucks.

 

Do what I do. Always keep looking for that 80 year old lady with an inheritance to get rid of or that somewhat unattractive lawyer who loves you for you and doesn't care what you do for a living.

 

At the end of the day though life is about change. I dig my heels in like you wouldn't believe. I have this week off work and I need to be getting a lot of things done, but instead I've been sitting around playing video games and drinking.

 

Wish I had an answer for you...

[appalachian_fox]

Maybe we should consider this:

Who here is truly happy about their job? Who's willing to put in 10 hrs of OT because they love it, not because they have to? Urk?!?? Probably. Centerfold photographer? Probably.

 

Not too many others, I'm guessing.

 

I'd rather be playing CS, playing with the kids or playing chicken with a charging rhino than working.

 

Man, I'm sorry to hear about this, Playaa. I can back up MrDuke here, though, and say he's pretty spot-on. I enjoy my field, but I don't particularly enjoy working. It's not that I think there's a field that I'd be a perfect fit for -- It's more that I'd rather be doing whatever I choose all day. Working for myself, even if I had the next big idea, wouldn't work either. I'd probably never get anything done, honestly.

 

Some anxiety is normal, but even though the thought causes more anxiety you may want to consult a professional. Heck, the fact that you sabotaged a job at WotC should be evidence enough Whatever you decide, know that we're here for you, and work is indeed one of those unpleasant parts of life that, even if we enjoy our field, most of the time we do because we have to.

 

Oh, and if your friend hits it really big, maybe you could, you know, set up some kind of mooching list for your old "buds"

[Playaa]

here's another example to explain that I'm not just having normal worries about a job. This issue permeates my life.

I bought a pair of $30 shoes yesterday at a mall I often eat lunch at. I got the wrong size. Today I am going to have to actively FORCE myself to take them back to the mall and see if I can exchange them (was a little kiosk, not a store). Something in my mind sees that this is probably something I should do (can't waste $30 right now) and flips a switch that says "you don't want to do this!".

but it's not just laziness...it's more like apathy to an extreme degree combined with a dislike for humans I don't know intimately.

 

by the way, I appreciate all the messages you kids are posting.

[Preacher]

kids? I'm older than you and Duke is older than Moses!

 

I stand by my PM

[MrDuke]

I present to you these 15... <shatter>... 10... 10 commandments!!!!!

[Dingy]

kids? I'm older than you and Duke is older than Moses!

 

Hmm.... gotcha both beat.

Nice posts though.

 

 

As to working - well, if I ever hit the lotto, I'm retired. I'll still let everyone beat me up/run me over/pwn me though -

because I love you guys sooo much!

[monthos]

here's another example to explain that I'm not just having normal worries about a job. This issue permeates my life.

I bought a pair of $30 shoes yesterday at a mall I often eat lunch at. I got the wrong size. Today I am going to have to actively FORCE myself to take them back to the mall and see if I can exchange them (was a little kiosk, not a store). Something in my mind sees that this is probably something I should do (can't waste $30 right now) and flips a switch that says "you don't want to do this!".

but it's not just laziness...it's more like apathy to an extreme degree combined with a dislike for humans I don't know intimately.

 

I can easily understand that though. I purchased some shirts that were too small before at the mall, due to lazyness I never did return them. They still sit in my drawer never been worn. One day I will probably just use them as garage rags. Its not that I fear change, just that I would rather not deal with it. It would have to be a hell of a place/increase in cash for me to get up and move jobs/home.