Xterminator April 26, 2004 Share Xterminator Member April 26, 2004 HOW TO POOP AT WORK: We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work: CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants. FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom. THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N): A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS. SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom. TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the popper can poop in peace. WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire. UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Playaa April 26, 2004 Share Playaa Member April 26, 2004 JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun > pace. > This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should > happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the > bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. HA! that's a good one Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Mmmm]Homer April 26, 2004 Share [Mmmm]Homer Member April 26, 2004 LOL! Good one! Imma clean up those ">" however. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flux April 26, 2004 Share flux Member April 26, 2004 lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Magruter April 26, 2004 Share Magruter Member April 26, 2004 Nice post!! We have a bathroom with 8 stalls in it, and it's quiet as a mouse in there sometimes... They need to put some music in there or something. I've learned that alot of people need more fiber in thier diets... ...The hard way! I sometimes have to bite my bottom lip. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Mmmm]Homer April 26, 2004 Share [Mmmm]Homer Member April 26, 2004 I was thinking there should be something about the "Regular, Regularly Scheduled Pooper". A guy where I work goes every day at 2:40pm. I have 14 minutes to take a pish before it stinks for half an hour. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
All Kill3r April 26, 2004 Share All Kill3r Member April 26, 2004 Crop Dusting !!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jiffy April 26, 2004 Share Jiffy Member April 26, 2004 hahahahha that was great. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gunman April 26, 2004 Share Gunman Member April 26, 2004 CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants. FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom. TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the popper can poop in peace. WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire. I have experienced all of those... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Mmmm]Homer April 26, 2004 Share [Mmmm]Homer Member April 26, 2004 As the pooper or an Uncle Ted? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PuppySurprise April 26, 2004 Share PuppySurprise Member April 26, 2004 what do you call someone that sits on the pot for a good 20 minutes while dumpin....i always take a mag or somethin with me (not magruter, a magazine). I am usually done within a couple minutes, but sitting and reading, relaxing on the pot is something im used to. Who else takes forever on the pot. And what is it when you have a massive dump and you barely have to wipe but you craps out a nugget-sized butt chunk and you wipe til your rotator cuff breaks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eXile April 26, 2004 Share eXile Member April 26, 2004 the best kind of "poop" is the no wiper. hands down Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eXile April 26, 2004 Share eXile Member April 26, 2004 oh and yeah i take 20-30 min to take a dook... just something about reading a mag and relaxing. then you have those fast poopers .. people who take like 5 min top. it must be like sit.. strain.. wipe and done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Playaa April 26, 2004 Share Playaa Member April 26, 2004 I'm a magazine/book reader as well nothing as relaxing as taking a good long dump AH! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gunman April 26, 2004 Share Gunman Member April 26, 2004 Shortest dump ever : 45 seconds. Yes...it was timed... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
All Kill3r April 27, 2004 Share All Kill3r Member April 27, 2004 *sploosh* /me looks around.... /me cant find it..... *me must be hearing things* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
appalachian_fox April 27, 2004 Share appalachian_fox Member April 27, 2004 The Phantom Poop! Where is it? Where did it go? I can definitely enjoy a good article on the can. Especially in the house -- a good way to get away from the other crap going on, and nobody wants to bother me. I'm lucky that way at home. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YoMamma April 27, 2004 Share YoMamma Member April 27, 2004 That list was posted inside the bathrooms at the Whitewater dorm i stay at when i visit. I found it quite amusing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fatty April 27, 2004 Share Fatty GC Founder April 27, 2004 Shortest dump ever : 45 seconds. Yes...it was timed... Try washing your hands next time! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soul .gc April 27, 2004 Share soul .gc Member April 27, 2004 Brings back memory of office life haha...makes me glad I work from the house now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lance April 27, 2004 Share lance Member April 27, 2004 that's great, X. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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