I need your Prayers

[Heartless]

Add in the fact that I'm supposed to be comforting and supportive to my wife, daughter and son...which I don't feel that I am, and it compounds my feelings of anger, inadequacy and guilt.  I feel like I'm letting my family down.  I'm supposed to be the cornerstone, the bearer of the weight and I'm not doing the job.

 

I'm just losing it.  I am physically and mentally exhausted.  I don't want to do anything or go anywhere (not that I have time to).  Our doctor has us on medication, but it does not help.  In fact, it makes the nightmares worse. 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

 

I think maybe the reason you are so tired is because you are being a bearer of the weight, you are doing your job! Please don't feel as though because you are the male, and you are Daddy, you have to bear all the weight. You are doing a great job, you are still standing each day. And if it gets to the point where you feel as though you can't stand each day, take a break for you. Remember to think of yourself in all this as well. My grandma keeps telling me "Your children feel how you feel." So if you need to take a break, take it. Please keep your head up, keep faithful, and stay positive. You really are doing a wonderful job.

 

As a girl, woman, whatever... I can honestly say that you are a father any girl could wish for, and a husband any woman could dream of. You are really in my prayers each and everyday, along with your daughter, your wife, and your son.

 

~not so Heartless

[Playaa]

I don't know if this will help ease your burden at all but I think you should understand that the best support you can give your family right now might just be to show them that it's ok to be sad, but while being sad to still trust in God. If you have to cry in front of them and explain to them your pain, but still trust in God through this, it's going to be 10 times more powerful in their minds than if you were to put on some impassive cold emotionless face...they KNOW you are hurting no matter what you do...let them see it, but let them also see your faith.

Also, remember that God is using you through all of this...there are people watching you who don't know the Lord...and if they see your weakness in this situation combined with your strength in God....imagine the impact on their lives. God willingly put HIMSELF through this by sending his son here...so it's not as if he doesn't understand...I know this may sound harsh...but we are here for his purpose, nothing more...I don't really know how to go on without sounding too harsh, but I thought that needed to be said.

 

and please...repeat all this to me when I'm struggling with my father's own illness and weakness in the years to come...I'll need it.

[gOOters]

Consider sharing a little more with your wife. Just a thought. If she was good enough to land a guy like you, I'll bet she is pretty darned strong too. Its okay to let her see your anguish and for you to see hers. To make it through this, you need to be a team and share the load, with GOD as the center of the equation.

 

Oh, and take Fat up on his offer. Get out, even if it is for one hour and a couple beers or sodas or whatever. And encourage your wife to do the same.

 

Im hurting for you right now. My life gets in perspective when I read about yours

[MrDuke]

I feel better today, partly because of some self-realization and partly from everyone's outpouring of concern.

 

Thanks to all for your genuine concern and your posts--they really do make me feel better about myself and my family's situation. I wish I could personally thank every one of you...maybe I will at fragfest.

 

However, I must be honest in saying that I am disappointed with each and every one of you for not warning me about the outcomes of drinking with Fatty and I hold each one of you accountable for my headache today.

Lesson learned: Only court supervised visitation is recommended.

 

Rev- Your post made me cry (and, no, I'm not ashamed to say that)--thank you. Sometimes you just amaze me by going above and beyond.

 

Fatty- I am grateful for last night. Thank you for allowing me to vent my frustrations. I have a great deal of respect for you, even more than before. Your a good man. Nothing like laughing over some H stories,eh?

 

Thomas A. -- My apologies for not personally acknowledging your post. I missed it which is strange because I check this site frequently. Thank you!!

 

Heartless -- so which is it?? "not so" or "so". I am humbled by your comments. I certainly don't feel like the person you described--it made me feel better, Thanks.

 

Playaa-- You keep me going sometimes...the right post at the right time. God Bless you, man.

 

Gooter -- heh,heh...Gooter...LOL

 

OK...I'm back in the fight. Attitude is better, faith is better, headache is better.

I'm staying at my parents right now because I have a chest cold and I can't be around Danielle due to my coughing. Difficult, but manageable.

Tomorrow is a big treatment day including spinals and bone marrow biopsies.

 

We'll see how this roller-coaster plays out tomorrow...

Later,

Duke

Edited January 18, 2005 by mrduke

[whudats]

My prayers are with and your family. I have a daughter who will be 5 in February and she is the most special thing in this world, a true gift from God. We have been blessed that she is healthy, but it would be a serious test of my faith if something were to happen.

 

I admire your strength, and even more, that of your daughter. Stay strong.

[MrDuke]

Update:

 

She didn't need spinals and biopsies like I thought so that makes me happy. Those aren't scheduled until next week.

 

Her ANC tanked out at 100 (1000 being critical) so she is in the "bubble", so to speak. Remember that movie about the kid in the bubble?? Didn't you just hate it? How ironic is it that I wish I had one of those things right now!!

 

She had a rough night and slept with Kel. This morning has been average...we'll see how it plays out.

 

Kel and I seem to be getting along better. This separation is a true test of our marriage. I'm stuck over at my parents doing NOTHING and she's at home struggling to do EVERYTHING.

I think we're getting along better because she knows that I am really struggling with the fact that I cannot contribute. All I can do is pick up the phone and listen to her vent and listen to the chaos in the background from the kids. I wish I could be knee deep in it--having my ankles being run over by a stroller, stepping on Legos, pulling my son out of the dog cage that he loves to be in...all of it. Normally when you're knee deep in it, you're screaming, "Knock it off...I can't wait until it's your bedtime!!". Now, I yearn to be involved and I can't. Quite a change in values and perspectives, eh?

It almost feels like I'm a ghost roaming the house. They can't see me, but I can hear them (on the phone) and see them (if I visit after bedtime). I almost feel like a guardian angel, unable to speak but always thinking and watching out for them. I want to interact with them SO BAD but I know I can't because I'm sick.

 

Thanks to Fatty, my perspective has changed from a submissive "why won't anyone cut us a break" view to a stronger "Satan enjoys my misery, don't give him the satisfaction by taking refuge in God's arms" view.

I CAN'T EXPRESS MY GRATITUDE IN WORDS FOR THAT ADVICE.

I feel stronger.

I feel calmer, more at peace.

I have focus.

 

After re-reading all of this, I seem to be on quite a roller-coaster of emotions. I'm sure I'll have more bad days in the near future, but I'll get through them by referencing these past few days and seeing all of your words of support.

 

I truly mean this with all of my being, God Bless You All.

 

Brian

[gOOters]

yes, bad days to come. hopefully better ones too...much better.

 

meanwhile, you have your hard-azz attitude to keep you afloat. God is giving you that strength...keep your chin up, you are fighing a great fight!

[ConGregation]

Still praying. Thanks for the update!!!

[Fatty]

Amen.

 

"Satan enjoys my misery, don't give him the satisfaction by taking refuge in God's arms"

 

Amen x 2. Knowing that we have a Daddy up their whose lap we can crawl into...a place where we're protected and safe...that's the deal.

 

God bats last, and God bats big. Hard to consider that when we're getting beatin down in this world.

 

Praying for your sniffles to go away so you can be with your family!

[Bubblegum Bandit]

Wow....all I can say is wow. Somehow I had not seen this thread. Please know that my wife and I will be praying for you guys and everyone around you. I just told Fatty I didn't know what to say, I couldn't find the words, so this might ramble. My wife and I were blessed with our first child in October. While discussing your situation with my wife we both began to cry. Now that we actually have a child, we wretch at the idea of having to go through this kind of situation with her, it seems all the more real. I know you've talked to all the doctors and nurses and someone of your profession I'm sure knows the statistics. My wife is a pediatric intensive care nurse, so my first question to her was the survival rate statistics. She told me in children, ALL has better than an 80% survival rate. She knows/has taken care of many many kids that made it through. That if your kid has to have cancer, that's the one you want. That last sentance seems soo soo wrong.

 

Let me just say that reading through this thread brought tears to my eyes. I grew up with a stoic father. Never showed any emotions. I now have a wife with a father at the opposite end of the spectrum. Please, let me reemphasize, share your pain with your children and your wife. Show them that its ok to hurt. Also show them that in your hurt, you are faithful to God, you may not understand why, but he will always be there. He will always have a lap there for you to crawl into(to take the analogy from Fatty). I feel solid in my faith, but when reading your story, I wonder if I would have the very strength and faith you seem to so easily exude.

 

I almost feel ashamed at not seeing this post/thread before now. Keep your strength, love your God, and be there with and for your family. You are truely an inspiration. Again, we will be praying for you.

 

Todd

[appalachian_fox]

I haven't said anything in awhile...Just remember that you have my prayers, and if I can help out with something I wouldn't mind, even if it's just as simple as coming in and saying hi more often. We're here for you and your family, man. One day at a time, every day.

[Bubblegum Bandit]

We have started a little collection for Danielle. Its a little different in scope than the everyday collection. Some of us have added links to our signatures with the details of what we would like to do. Please read this and contribute if at all possible. And then add the link to your signature and help us to get the word out!!!!

[MrDuke]

You did exactly what we needed... It makes us feel better knowing people are in our corner. Keep 'em coming!!

My wife is starting to read this thread and it makes her happy.

 

AND WHEN SHE'S HAPPY....I'M HAPPY, know what I mean??

 

Thanks,man

 

Duke

[Magruter]

Yeah i totally missed this thread too. My family is praying for you. It was the addition of A hat for Danielle link on the front page that got me hereLet's hope that more people will come to this topic. It really helps to see how life is really fragile and you should hug your loved ones every chance you get. With all my prays.

 

Scott Allen

[Ice_Berge_00]

I honestly have to say that several times while reading all of the replies I had to stop because I was brought to tears...

 

When I was much younger I had both of my grandfathers go through cancer. I was so young that I never really understood everything, but I want you to know that I feel I have some understanding. When I read your post about her falling down and saying "I'm ok it's just a little fall" I was reminded of how when we're kids we just seem to take everything in stride.

 

As I read this I keep thinking to myself how often movies and books seem to tell us we should be Hero's during times of trial like this. But I realize now that that is just fiction. The truth is that we always have been, are and should only be, Human. We're not invunerable, all-powerful or all-knowing. And in times of hurt and saddness we look to other humans for comfort, for help and for guidance.

 

You aren't alone in this, this community is going through some it with you and your family.

 

You have my prayers and my hopes.

[MrDuke]

Gruter and Ice,

 

Thank you for your posts. As I've said a many times before, we really appreciate when people post, it makes us feel like it's more than just "us" in our corner.

 

Danielle is doing very well this week since she didn't get her MTX chemo last round due to her having neutropenia (low ANCs).

Thursday is treatment day (ugghh) so we'll see how it goes then.

 

Bandit-- is there a way to put a countdown in days on her website?? It primarily would be for Kel and I to keep things in perspective, a light at the end of the tunnel so to speak. Let me know if that's possible.

 

Got a chance to play source a couple of times this week. The first day I did Ok but managed to fire quite a few rounds into a teammate over...um... quite a few rounds of play on .tides. Nice map...I like it.

Only problem was that the teammate involved was Lunk, OF ALL PEOPLE.

I thought I was going to be the only admin to be banned after 1 day of being an admin.

Lesson learned: "Use your radar, brother" [Lunk]

 

My second day was more therapeutic and I held my own. I had Rev's number that night (sorry). Once the rust is off I'm gunnin' for Gooter, who had my number.

BTW, if you hear me say I got "gootered", I just got HS'd by gOOter. Hopefully, that won't happen at all.

 

My point of all this blah, blah was that it was more than just another round of CS. It was a HUGE stress reliever and I felt "at home".

 

I know why GC is more than just another clan. I'm thankful for being a part of it.

 

I'm gainin ground gOOt...still waiting for your delusional knife to my noggin.

 

I'll update you on Danielle Thursday or Friday.

 

Duke

[ConGregation]

Heh, you aren't sorry. I could tell by the way you DIDN'T stop killing me!

[Bubblegum Bandit]

Yes, that is doable, I'll grab you a script either tonight or tomorrow night.

 

***Edit*** Done and sent to Keli via e-mail. Let me know if you guys need any help setting it up.

[MrDuke]

Just so you all know, I've dropped to #3 on the popularity list in my own house.

 

B Bandit takes top honors as the wife seems ultra-happy ever since he's given so much assistance in her website, her song and her cause.

Thanks a bunch for raising the bar. Thanks for making it THAT MUCH harder for me.

I can just hear it now..."why can't you be more like bubblegum bandit?!"

 

 

#2 goes to Gooter. Not that you did anything right or wrong, just the fact that she laughs uncontrollably every time she sees or hears "Gooter".

 

#3 is my spot, for now, but I envision dropping further as other people get involved.

When it's all said and done, I should be ranked just above bald tires or used tennis shoes.

As long as it keeps Kel and/or Danielle happy, I don't mind.

 

Thanks guys!!

[Fatty]

I'll take #1 after dinner / charm on Friday. Sorry guys.

[MrDuke]

We need to hammer out the whens and wheres. I'm hoping you can bring the kids but we won't know until thursday when Danielle gets her blood counts.

 

I'll keep you posted

[MrDuke]

I'll take #1 after dinner / charm on Friday.  Sorry guys.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

 

Oh boy...let me get the construction crew back out here to widen the doors for your head, chief

 

I gotta tell you, I've been laying it on thick for years and she sees right through it all. Good luck--hope you've got a plan B when the charm doesn't work.

[gOOters]

gOOters

 

gOOtersssssssssss

 

gOOterS

 

gOOterS

 

Bleh.

 

I was thinking you must surely be nub, like me. Sadly, it aint so.

 

So...I am scared about knifing you now. But it WILL happen. Sooner or later. I get to play about 3 times a week now so my chances of seeing you are pretty decent! Makes me glad, cuz you are one of my fave guys to play with.

 

Im beginning to think that I might end up having to knife you when you are afk?

 

- gOot

[MrDuke]

GooteR

 

 

R

 

errrrr

 

 

LOL, sorry man, you are forever more--Gooter. My wife was laughing about it last night again!!

 

Brother, you've got zero chance of knifing me. If you do, I'll put the chat log in my signature.

 

 

Won't be on tonight, maybe tomorrow (thurs).

 

Duke

[MrDuke]

It's off the thread so I'll keep it short.

 

Goot,

 

If I even see you NEAR me...I'll fall on my own knife before I give you the kill(kill in console).

 

Unless we're on the same team--heh, heh--that'd be dumb.